2 years later

Here I am two years after being divorced. I wish I could say that I am a new woman, I've moved on. But that just isn't true. I often wonder when I will quit crying. I still can't listen to the radio without thoughts of E entering my mind. We go to a lot of the kids events and now we can sit by each other. Often times, the WHOLE family sits together. Eric, Corilynn, her kids, our kids, my kids. And we pretend like everything is normal. Corilynn and I talk and laugh together. I'm sure if she didn't marry my ex--we would be great friends. She is funny, and so sweet to Justice and Montana. But I see the way E is with the kids. Laughing with them, encouraging them, teaching them, guiding them. Taking them on trips, buying them things. Being the man I loved. And I miss him so much it brings me to tears. Why can't I remember the bad times. The times he broke my heart, made me feel like dirt. He never invited me to travel with him for work. But his new wife goes with him frequently. I could never get him to enjoy being out socially, with family, or friends. Now it's all I hear about. I tried to buy him new clothes and he would scoff at me for spending money. Now he dresses like a yuppie, all brand name clothes, a whole new wardrobe. A whole new life. And now he plays soccer? I'm happy he's made a new start and is so blissfully in love. I hope he will always treat his new step children with love. He's walked away from two step kids in his first marriage. And Sierra in his second marriage. I breaks my heart that he just tossed her aside along with me. Makes me wonder what kind of a man he really is. And why I am still missing him.

Everyone I date seems like a complete loser in comparison. I know it's the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder deal. But I'm sick of it. He's with the kids right now at Disneyland. Something I would love to do for my kids. But I don't know if I will ever be able to take them anywhere.

Here's the deal. Chris and Eric both are fantastic dads. They give my kids absolutely EVERYTHING they need. They go out of their way to spend time with the kids, they provide a good life for them, they take them on fabulous vacations, buy them clothes, take them to events, movies, games. Sometimes I feel like the kids would be better off living with their dads. Not having to worry about money. I want that to be my place in their life.

A common phrase in our house is, "I'm sorry honey we can't afford that", or "We can't, we don't have the money right now". I am struggling to pay my bills. It's paycheck to paycheck...and sometimes worse. But we are surviving, by the grace of God we somehow make it through. I work nights, so they stay with my parents a lot when they are "with me". They complain about not sleeping at our house and in their beds. They complain about me working nights. Believe me...I have tried all I can think of to remedy this situation. I continually apply for "real" jobs. But no bites yet. I work a second job cleaning houses for extra money. I tried to sell the house- thinking we could move in with my parents or at least closer to them and the south side of the valley to save gas & driving time to their dad. But nothing I do seems to pan out. I'm not saying poor me, my life sucks. I'm just saying--I want so much to give them everything that their dads can give them. I hope they don't see me as less of a person because of the hand that I have been dealt. I know my kids love me- I love them like crazy- I hate being without them. I just want them to have the best life possible. I have faith that my life won't always be this way. I know there will come a day when I can look back and be amazed that I made it through this difficult time. I look forward to that day.

I am blessed beyond belief. I know that I have more money and possessions than 3/4's of the world. I have 3 beautiful children who are healthy, happy, and cared for. I have parents that support me in my decisions and are happy to help me raise my children. I have neighbors who care for us, I live in a beautiful neighborhood in a beautiful home we can call our own. I have a car, a job I love, and friends that make me laugh. Most days, my blessings get me through. Other days, my emotions weigh me down like an anvil on my chest. I long to find love again. I pray to put my negative feelings in a box and put them on the shelf. I can open that box from time to time and reminisce, and cry. But I can't continue to carry it around and let it crush me.

Patrick has been a good friend of mine since Junior High. We dated for about 9 months, broke up and have been "friends" for the last 7 months. We care for each other. We text daily. We go on dates occassionally. He is flawed, he's all flaws. (Just like me.) But he is a good person, with a big heart. He's good to me, and he is good to my kids. He helps whenever I need him. He trims trees, fixes my A/C, sprinklers, toilets, pulls up carpet, plants flowers. We talk endlessly about every possible subject. He listens to my emotional rants, he cares about my feelings. He would do anything I asked him to. He thinks my list of home projects is his honey-do list. And he is grateful to do them because he gets to spend time with me. He tells me how beautiful I am, inside and out. He thinks I have a spirit that shines through my eyes. He believes we are meant to be together. What a sweetheart. Justice said recently that it would be cool if he lived with us. That was a total surprise and totally out of the blue. I want to let him into my heart- but I keep shutting him out. I keep thinking I need to fix myself before I can let anyone into my life. But will that ever happen? Maybe letting someone love me, and allowing myself to love someone else is the key to my recovery. More soul searching is in order.