Bullet avoided...for now

Through texting last night, I found out that Eric has come to his senses. Or Corilynn got scared off, or they just plain old weren't able to get the house. Eric said he is going to stay where he is in SLC. What a gigantic relief. I was planning on calling my lawyer today ready to take action on changing the custody situation. I really hope he will keep the kids foremost in his mind. I am sure they will get together eventually. But at least for a little while, I will be able to rest easy. easier. Well, not easy at all, but at least I can breath now.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

Eric just announced that he is looking for a new place to live. I asked where and he said in Pleasant Grove- Utah County. I have been trying to get him to move to Utah County for years to make his commute shorter and he swore up and down he would never live in Utah County. I asked if it was because of Corilynn and he agreed. I asked if they were moving in together and he said maybe--which is code for YES. So they are looking for a house to live in together. I am not surprised, but of course I am not happy about it at all. I asked him just a couple days ago if they were going to get married, he assured me they weren't. I guess I should have been more to the point...are they getting serious enough to live together and pretend to be married and have their kids pretend to be family. I'm sure he would have said no anyway. I told him if this happened, he would not have the kids during the week. Only on the weekends. Even if it's just him in the house. He thinks he will drive back and forth from Utah County to my house four times a day??? What a stupid thing to do. I told him to think about this. He is definitely not putting the kids needs first. They would have to get up earlier and spend more time driving than they already do. I don't like it now and they only live 15 minutes away. Then he started acting like I was being insane or something. He said sarcastically "Yeah--I'm not putting my kids needs first"... I reminded him of how Montana calls me every night when she is with him and begs for me to come and pick her up. She texts me all night long saying she hates it there and she is not comfortable being the only girl. I asked him how he thinks throwing in a step family is going to be beneficial for her. He just rolled his eyes. I told him the kids are not ready for this. He has only been divorced for 25 days. Hello. I told him he is thinking with his penis and not his head. This was not a good idea. So he just shut me down, got in the car and drove off. How adult of him. I am so furious. I'm humiliated, I feel scared for my kids, and I know now that I am going to have to gear up for an even bigger battle. I hate him.

Holiday, Holiday, who's got the Holiday

It's official. I was married to the biggest jackass alive. We are still working on the Holiday Custody Schedule. We made up a mock calendar for our divorce proceedings and the mediation back in March. And it should and could have worked out fine. It alternated every other holiday between him and I, then switched for the next year. It was on an odd/even year schedule. However, every holiday since then, we have gone the rounds over who has custody. I was referring to the schedule that was in our "divorce education class for parents" manual. WE BOTH HAVE IT. IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME. But apparently it was not the same as the one that was listed online- or the one that my lawyer attached to our divorce decree. So I asked him repeatedly, "Why can't we just use the one in the manual- that we both have?" He insisted it wasn't current. I don't know why the hell it matters. If we both have the same sheet of paper- why can't we use the one that is in the manual that we would naturally refer to. But of course, he has to go the much more difficult route of finding one online that is "the most current" although it has no date on it. Trying to just finalize this mess I agreed to use the link he was looking at. Even then he still wanted to review it for a couple of days and get back to me. I refused. I told him we were finishing this decision before we hung up. It only took 5 more minutes- and there was only one discrepancy. I told him to bookmark it in his favorites, print it out, and put it in a place where he could refer to it without having to look it up again. If they make any additional changes to the code--we are not changing from what we decided today.

I am so totally frustrated with him. I don't understand why he is being such a fucking robot about everything. He acts like he doesn't have a single emotion in his body. If we both agree to something- it should be the agreement. Why does there always have to be an official piece of paper or law attached to something to make it MORE OFFICIAL. Obviously this is going to be a never ending dramatic divorce. I have lost all respect for him- and any shred of emotion I had left for him has been stomped into the ground. This is the fourth go around trying to iron this out. I told him I would be happy to meet with my lawyer and make this last decision of ours official with signatures and whatever else is necessary to make it binding for him. He said I was being ridiculous. I don't think so---look who's calling the kettle black.

He had the nerve to bring Corilynn and McKayde to Las Vegas last week for Montana's solo competition. Like Corilyn even gives a shit about Montana's solo at this point--she doesn't know anything about her. They were just there to be on vacation together. I wish he just wouldn't have come at all. He took the kids for a day and went to the M&M factory. I know they had fun- but he is just rubbing this girlfriend in my face. And my families. It was really tough and I cried after acting all nice and accommodating. They left-- and I broke down. Grama and Mom were good and gave me all the support and confidence I needed to get happy and get on with MY vacation. He has no respect for me or my families feelings. I know we will have to get over it and make the best of it---how does he expect us to become friends and be on friendly terms when he is constantly acting like the biggest ass around??

I tried to plan a trip to Yellowstone with my parents--but of course his plans trumped mine. I tried to arrange a 4th of July celebration with the kids--but then our holiday were switched again. I am up to my eyeballs in anger and frustration with this idiot. I know this whole first year of divorce will be full of disappointment and will be a learning curve. Honestly--I have a whole new appreciation for Chris--I thought he was difficult--obviously Eric is going to make him look like a freakin' saint!!

Milestones

The last couple of days have been extremely emotional and hard. But I feel like some important progress has been made.

Sunday I was out at mom and dads with Sierra. Eric was bringing the little ones home around 7 after their day at Lagoon. It was getting close to time to get home and we were still trying to get some things done (rhinestoning shirts, and dad was copying the recital video to DVD for me). So I asked Eric if he wouldn't mind dropping the kids off at my parents. He agreed, which shocked me. He has not seen or spoken to my parents since we separated back in February (except briefly at the recital with his new girlfriend). I think he has been afraid of them, and I don't blame him. But he needed to pick up some of his stuff there anyway.

So he showed up with the kids and I invited him in. Dad was gathering Eric's things downstairs and so he went down to get them. Next thing I know mom is shooing Justice and I out of the room and shuts the door with her, dad, and Eric in there. I thought "Oh boy, here we go." They were in there for several minutes. Not too long- but long enough for me to start getting nervous. I don't know exactly what was said, but I know they said their peace and tried to end things amicably. Then dad and Eric went out to the garage to see dad's new motorcycle. So I'm sure it wasn't too bad. They were so good to Eric and treated him like family. I know it hasn't been easy for them either.

Then yesterday we were trying to hammer out our July custody calendar. We are trying to work in vacations, holidays, etc. He sent me an email that really ruffled my feathers. He was upset that I hadn't warned him about the confrontation with mom and dad. He said to have them call him if they wanted to talk. Well- they did try to call him several months ago, and he had never called back. He said he wouldn't hide from them- well, that's exactly what he's been doing. We talked some more about Vegas- and YES the girlfriend is coming with him. I assumed so. So I asked him to plan exactly what he wanted to do with the kids etc- because I just found out that Chris is bringing his girlfriend too and she wants to meet me for the first time. Yay! It will be one big HAPPY family. So I will be sending kids back and forth from hotel to hotel. What a fun vacation huh!

Then Eric forwarded a very sad email he received from Sierra. She was very upset with him about just dropping her from his life. She addressed a lot of concerns that the two of them have had over the years. She let him know how disappointed she is in this whole mess and that Justice and Tana now have to go through what she has been doing for years- the back and forth between mommy and daddy. She was upset that now her life is twice as complicated and her emotions are doubled. She said she has always wondered how her life would have been if Chris and I had stayed together. It was so surprising, and heart wrenching. I guess I am not that good at reading her. I thought she felt relieved that he was gone- but it is hurting her a lot more than she is letting on. I was so glad that Eric forwarded this email to me because I don't think she would have ever expressed any of this to me. I sat her down and we had a great talk. I apologized for this mess- I tried to explain things to her. I told her how sorry I was for putting her in such an awkward and emotional situation. I want her to know that just because I have had rotten luck in the marriage dept. doesn't mean that she will. I have made a lot of mistakes and a lot of this is my doing- but I don't take all the blame. We talked for a while about things and she didn't say much- it was mostly me talking and her nodding her head and shedding a few tears. Eric also wrote her back a really nice note that let her know that he still loved her and considers her one of her kids- it's just a tough situation.

At the end of the day a lot of crying had been done, but a lot of emotional release and progress had been made as well. I know this whole process won't be easy- but I'm really ready for things to lighten up a bit.

The circus life

I've been putting off writing this post because I was hoping that by suppressing my emotions, they might go away or lessen. But they have only intensified. So I hope that by writing this all down, I can put it away or at least compartmentalize it and give it less power.

I talked to Eric on Friday about a conversation I had with Montana. He was planning to take the kids to the Springville Arts Festival on Friday. Montana did not seem excited and kept asking questions about whether CoriLynn, McKade, & Jillian were going to be there. I assumed they would be, but I didn't know it was going to be bothering her. I told her I didn't know- but probably they would. She said "Why can't we just go with daddy? Why do they always have to be around? I'm tired of doing EVERYTHING with them. I just want to go with daddy and not the rest of them!" I told her to call him and ask if they were coming. So she did- and yes, they were coming. He was trying to get her excited about it- but she was brave and told him her concerns. She was definitely disappointed- he was not changing the game plan.

She cried about it for a while. So of course this just made me angry. So Eric and I talked via email and phone about the whole deal. We talked a few weeks ago about my concerns that all the time they spend with him, is also time they are spending with the girlfriend and her kids. They are dealing with a lot- the divorce, daddy and mommy in different houses, the back and forth of custody arrangements, not being with their friends everyday, wondering why daddy is dating someone new, why are we always with this "new" family. I told him that he needs to concentrate on being a dad when he is with them. They will grow up so fast and with our custody arrangements, the time he gets to spend with them is even shorter. I told him that my concerns are growing out of Montana's concerns. I refuse to put her in an uncomfortable situation. And that if she continued to protest- I would not send her to the festival. I have asked him repeatedly to not date when the kids are with him. But, of course, he does what he wants. Being the loving, caring, considerate dad he is- he did address my concerns, and let me know that he always puts the kids first. He said that everything he does is for the kids. He said that they have only been with Corilynn and her kids two times. That it isn't EVERY time, and that she is over reacting. So I have been trying to trust him and help Montana through this in a good way. Since then- the new happy family has been to the Arts Festival, the dance recital, and Lagoon. Three days just this week of daddy, his new girlfriend, and her children. I know that Justice and Montana like them all. I am just concerned about how he is throwing them into this so soon, and so seriously. Justice doesn't seem to mind- I'm sure he loves having an older brother (McKade is 11). Montana likes Corilynn and Jillian too. She just doesn't like them as much as Eric does.

When he showed up at the recital with her- my heart sank. He is already bringing her to family functions- my parents met her. I was sitting behind the Jepson's- Justice was sitting with Eric & Corilynn a few rows away. I was sitting with mom, and dad was trying to find a good spot to videotape from. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was not ready for this. My life feels like a circus. How did my life become such a gigantic mess. My kids call everyone uncle, aunt, cousin- when really they aren't related at all. Sierra has cousins and aunts that Justice and Montana don't understand why they aren't related to them too. Now we will just be compounding that with a new family coming into the scenario. Ugh.

At the recital...Niki and Greg (Chris' sister, Sierra's aunt/uncle) were watching their 3 year old do her first recital. When she was finished they were both there to greet her with open arms and flowers. It made me cry...that's all I want is a family- one purpose- one direction- one love. And I know my life will never be like that.

I am really trying to look on the bright side of this. My kids have so many people that love them and that care about them. Eric and I are doing our best to find happiness in our own lives- which in turn will be better for the kids in the long run (I hope and pray), I am grateful that the kids are taking thing so well- they really are. Sierra can't even remember her dad and I together- it seems weird to her, and me. Perhaps one day it will feel like that with Eric. But for now- it just hurts. Dad put it best..."He is just being really inconsiderate". He really is. He is thinking of no one but himself. Which is exactly why we are in this situation. There really isn't anything I can do about it. I am keeping myself busy-praying for strength and comfort, loving my kids, and just getting on with life. So far- we are doing ok. Pray for me. I need it.

It's official

Received the notice in the mail yesterday that the divorce is now final as of June 1, 2009. The judge has reviewed and signed all the paperwork. *sigh*

So, as my sister-in-law Amy told me- "On to the best chapter of your life yet!"

The squeaky wheel!

Wow- the squeaky wheel gets the grease!! He's out!! It will be so nice to get all of this yard sale stuff organized in the garage now. Things will feel so clean and organized. It feels a bit empty in here- but- it's a breath of fresh air also. Looking around, I have room to grow now, room to decorate the way I would like to, and room to spread my wings.

I've had it!!

A few posts ago, I outlined the snail pace that Eric is moving out. He had planned on moving out yesterday- and started too. In my mind- I gave him a May 28th deadline to get his things out. I worked with him on that because he had a 10 day business trip during that time. Rather than rehash the events- here are the emails we exchanged. Needless to say- I blew my stack!!


Sent: Sunday, May 31, 2009 11:10:21 PM
Subject: garage

What happened to you? You said you had a couple more loads to get today and then would get the tools after Saturday. When I came home tonight- it looked like you had not even returned.

I tried texting & calling you a couple of times. Your phone was off or dead.

I feel like I have been extremely patient and that I have given you plenty of time to get your stuff out of the house. It has been 4 months since you left. I think that is plenty of time for you to get your belongings. I let you know that I was working against a deadline with this yard sale coming. I really need for this yard sale to be a success because I am hoping it will help pay for our Las Vegas trip. If it rains and I am not able to bring things inside- it could be a total disaster and weeks of my time and energy will have been wasted. I am thankful that you moved the china cabinet and the curio. I know that was a big pain in the ass job. I know it rained. I know you were probably exhausted from helping Corilynn move the day before. I know you have been busy with work- and out of the country. I know there was a ton of stuff that you moved- but there is still a lot more that needs to go. I told you we would help- but you refused that help. It was your choice to cram it all into this weekend. I let you know weeks ago that I needed this done by a certain day. I kept the kids today thinking that you were going to get it all done. Now I have a whole house full of stuff for this sale and no where to put it until the last minute. It has taken me weeks to get to this point. We are now walking around with a mess in every room. I was really hoping to take this week to organize things in the garage for the sale and not have to rush around at the last minute and have everything look sloppy. The garage is the only flat place to really display things.

My point is that you need to schedule a day- a full day- not just a couple of hours here and there- but a full day to finish moving your stuff out. We are happy to help you. I know it's hard work- but it has to be done- no matter how exhausted and sick of it you are. You have already moved on. I am still living in the mess you left behind. I expect you to at least take your belongings with you to start your new wonderful life. Have the courtesy to let me start mine.

Let me know when you plan on finishing.
J
-------------------------------------------


Sent: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 7:39 am
Subject: Re: garage


J,
I will be by this after noon to finish. I am sorry to have inconvienced you.

E

---------------------------------------------

Sent: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 7:45 am
Subject: Re: garage


Eric,

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it!

J