I've been putting off writing this post because I was hoping that by suppressing my emotions, they might go away or lessen. But they have only intensified. So I hope that by writing this all down, I can put it away or at least compartmentalize it and give it less power.
I talked to Eric on Friday about a conversation I had with Montana. He was planning to take the kids to the Springville Arts Festival on Friday. Montana did not seem excited and kept asking questions about whether CoriLynn, McKade, & Jillian were going to be there. I assumed they would be, but I didn't know it was going to be bothering her. I told her I didn't know- but probably they would. She said "Why can't we just go with daddy? Why do they always have to be around? I'm tired of doing EVERYTHING with them. I just want to go with daddy and not the rest of them!" I told her to call him and ask if they were coming. So she did- and yes, they were coming. He was trying to get her excited about it- but she was brave and told him her concerns. She was definitely disappointed- he was not changing the game plan.
She cried about it for a while. So of course this just made me angry. So Eric and I talked via email and phone about the whole deal. We talked a few weeks ago about my concerns that all the time they spend with him, is also time they are spending with the girlfriend and her kids. They are dealing with a lot- the divorce, daddy and mommy in different houses, the back and forth of custody arrangements, not being with their friends everyday, wondering why daddy is dating someone new, why are we always with this "new" family. I told him that he needs to concentrate on being a dad when he is with them. They will grow up so fast and with our custody arrangements, the time he gets to spend with them is even shorter. I told him that my concerns are growing out of Montana's concerns. I refuse to put her in an uncomfortable situation. And that if she continued to protest- I would not send her to the festival. I have asked him repeatedly to not date when the kids are with him. But, of course, he does what he wants. Being the loving, caring, considerate dad he is- he did address my concerns, and let me know that he always puts the kids first. He said that everything he does is for the kids. He said that they have only been with Corilynn and her kids two times. That it isn't EVERY time, and that she is over reacting. So I have been trying to trust him and help Montana through this in a good way. Since then- the new happy family has been to the Arts Festival, the dance recital, and Lagoon. Three days just this week of daddy, his new girlfriend, and her children. I know that Justice and Montana like them all. I am just concerned about how he is throwing them into this so soon, and so seriously. Justice doesn't seem to mind- I'm sure he loves having an older brother (McKade is 11). Montana likes Corilynn and Jillian too. She just doesn't like them as much as Eric does.
When he showed up at the recital with her- my heart sank. He is already bringing her to family functions- my parents met her. I was sitting behind the Jepson's- Justice was sitting with Eric & Corilynn a few rows away. I was sitting with mom, and dad was trying to find a good spot to videotape from. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was not ready for this. My life feels like a circus. How did my life become such a gigantic mess. My kids call everyone uncle, aunt, cousin- when really they aren't related at all. Sierra has cousins and aunts that Justice and Montana don't understand why they aren't related to them too. Now we will just be compounding that with a new family coming into the scenario. Ugh.
At the recital...Niki and Greg (Chris' sister, Sierra's aunt/uncle) were watching their 3 year old do her first recital. When she was finished they were both there to greet her with open arms and flowers. It made me cry...that's all I want is a family- one purpose- one direction- one love. And I know my life will never be like that.
I am really trying to look on the bright side of this. My kids have so many people that love them and that care about them. Eric and I are doing our best to find happiness in our own lives- which in turn will be better for the kids in the long run (I hope and pray), I am grateful that the kids are taking thing so well- they really are. Sierra can't even remember her dad and I together- it seems weird to her, and me. Perhaps one day it will feel like that with Eric. But for now- it just hurts. Dad put it best..."He is just being really inconsiderate". He really is. He is thinking of no one but himself. Which is exactly why we are in this situation. There really isn't anything I can do about it. I am keeping myself busy-praying for strength and comfort, loving my kids, and just getting on with life. So far- we are doing ok. Pray for me. I need it.
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