A bit of a set back

Had a bit of a set back last night. It was Justice's last soccer game and Eric informed me that he was going to bring the girlfriend and her daughter. Ugh!! Eric came to a game last week when I was there with the kids and it was totally awkward. We were sitting in the shade with chairs (and an extra one he could have sat in) cold water, and snacks. He decided to go stand on the other side of the field in the blazing sun. STAND. For an hour. It was totally lame. Montana kept asking why daddy wouldn't come sit with us. I just had to say "I don't know"...

Well, I had been gearing up for the inevitable all day. First I thought I would just drop the kids off and go home. But since it was the last game, Justice was going to be getting his trophy & picture, and I decided I was not going to let them drive me off. So about 20 minutes before game time a huge storm starts blowing in---and I mean BLOWING!! We weren't sure if they were going to play or not, but I knew they would be there to pass out trophies and pictures for sure. Montana started her usual freak out mode when storms blow in..."I don't want to go...can't I just stay home...can't I just stay in the car...(all the while hiding under pillows on the floor and crying). So I was going to have to drag her to the game. Then Sierra wanted to go to a friends instead of the game. So by the time we got to the game, Montana was hysterically crying. We got out of the car, and the wind was really blowing. I saw Eric & Corilynn a few parking spots away. Montana started screaming for Eric, I told her he was right over there, and she ran to him, and Corilynn asked her if she wanted to watch the game in her car...so she got in. Justice & Eric darted off for the field...and I was left standing there alone. No one said hello or goodbye. I saw the game start...but I just couldn't stay.

I started to leave the field and the tears just started coming. I know this was just an unfortunate turn of events. If the wind wasn't blowing so hard the kids would have hugged and kissed me goodbye. I know Eric would have thought to make them do that if they didn't do it on their own. But to see Montana run to Corilynn when she was scared just tore my heart out. I didn't want to sit there alone and watch my family from afar. So I just left.

I cried the whole way home and for quite a while once I got there. Eric told me a few days ago that he is looking for a place in Lehi. I know they will be moving in together as soon as possible. If they don't get married soon I will be very surprised. The kids have never been with Eric when she and her kids haven't been there. They have sleepovers all the time. The kids really get along great and the like Corilynn a lot. I try not to let it bother me...but it does. What can I do about it? Nothing.

I hate that she has replaced me when they are with him. I hate that my kids love her. I hate that they do everything fun under the sun now. Baseball Games, Museums, the Beach, Waterparks, Festivals, on and on and on. I use to beg him to go do fun stuff with us and he would rarely have time or want to go, or he would say we didn't have the money for stuff like that, when we really did. He was always too busy or didn't want to go. And when we did go...he would not enjoy himself. Now he has half the money he use to and can't stay home for even one night.

He wants me to meet him in Lehi tonight so that he can take the kids to a baseball game in Orem. I have met him there several times so that they can go do something fun with Corilynn & her kids in Utah County. This will be the last time I do this for a while. I realize that it is a two hour drive for him to come and get the kids and then drive them back...but I'm not going to spend my time & gas for him to go galavanting off with his girlfriend. They can just as easily do stuff on our turf and not put me out. That's the price you pay for a long distance relationship.

It just ticks me off because everytime I make take notice of how well I am doing, or how I am finally finding a good spot in my life emotionally...immediately he throws something else at me to knock me back down. I know I got the house, the alimony & child support that I wanted and needed. And there are days when I feel so blessed...but today all I wanted was my happy family back together and for us to enjoy a sunny day at the soccer game together. Such a simple thing...and I know I will not have that again. I will survive, and life goes on. OK...I think I am done ranting and raving.

My new favorite song is called "Who's got your money". It makes me happy everytime I hear it. It's about a couple who breaks up and she goes out and spends all of his money to feel better. The whole song doesn't apply to me...but there are a couple of lines that I sing at the top of my lungs..
"Look at me here I go, spending all of your dough!" and "He broke my heart so I took his money!" Every time I get the child support and alimony money from him it makes the pain a little less, because I know it is hurting him in the only way I can really get back at him. I love to see his bank balance, it makes me smile. Wow--reading these words makes me seem like a bitch---hmmm....this is a new side of me...I kinda like it!