More Talk...Some Headway?

E called to let me know that our mediation date is set for May 5th. I said that I would hate to wait that long when we are just going to be hashing it out ourselves. Can't we just come to an agreement and not pay the $800.00 for mediation. He agreed that he would like to avoid that. So we went through everything line by line again. It boils down to child support, and custody that we still don't agree on. He said that he thinks I won't want him to support me for the next 10 years. He knows how independent I am when it comes to money. I said that in a way- Yes- I would not like to be dependent on your money. But- I AM entitled to compensation for 10 years and I won't settle for 5. I said I would rather have him pay the full child support and not get any alimony than to have a 1/4 of the child support I was expecting and alimony that reduces every year. I can see his point and he can see mine. So he said that he would call his attorney. I asked him what he was thinking, he said "I don't know what I'm thinking- I'm not thinking straight- I need to clear my head." Then he said he would call me later. So I have no idea if we made any headway. But it felt like he had a change of heart. So we will see.

I feel like such a hag. But I got totally screwed in my last divorce. He got the house, no alimony, and no 401K benefits. But I remarried right away so I didn't really suffer for long. This time I know things will be different. I am in such a different place in my life. I don't feel in a position to even think about dating or bringing another person into my kids lives. I think I have screwed things up sufficiently for a while. I just don't want to give up what I have a legal right to. The laws are there for a reason. I deserve to be protected and for E to help in anyway he can in helping me to raise these kids. I guess for me that help will come in the form of money- and he thinks it should come in the form of him believing I can do it on my own. I guess I want it both ways.

Then later that same day- I got the news that I have been laid off at KJZZ. Fantastic. So now I have two strikes against me. Lost my man. Lost my job. Hopefully the kids being sick for the last two weeks was strike three. I can't take much more drama.

I know that when things like this happen that it just opens up new opportunities. When a door is closed- another one opens- or you go through a window- or you dig a hole in the floor and hide. Just kidding. I hope this will enable me to find something with better pay- and full time benefits wouldn't hurt either. Think good thoughts for me.

Beds & Plans

Mom, Dad and I had a heart to heart about where things are going, and planning for the future. The kids will be staying with them on the nights I work so we decided more permanent arrangements should be made. They went out today and bought beds for them. I wasn't expecting them to do that- I mean, we just talked about it today! But Thank you! I will buy the mattresses,bedding, and the drawers to go under the beds. I am sooooo incrediby lucky to have parents that are so supportive of me and my kids. It feels like no matter how crazy my life gets- they are always there to offer me a safe place to land. What in the world would I ever do without them. Sheesh- I don't even want to think about it. Thanks for everything!

Phew!

The kids were feeling well enough that they decided to go out to dinner. Sierra and I went out as well. So I avoided that whole awkwardness for now.

On a weird side note- I took the kids to the doctor this morning and he was there. He was coming out from an appointment and we were coming in. He just said hi and by to the kids and left. I asked him what he was doing there and he said he just had a scheduled appointment. I thought it was weird because he knew I was bringing the kids at that time and he didn't say anything about it. Bizarre.

Family Dinner?

Tonight is E's Wednesday night date with the kids. However they have been ill for a few days. So I told him he could come over and hang out with them here at the house and Sierra and I would go out on a date. He said we don't need to leave, and that he would bring over Chinese for dinner. Wow- how awkward will this be. Hopefully it will go well. It will be good for the kids to see him. I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well.

Called my lawyer

I called my lawyer today and told him I reviewed the response from E and his lawyers. I told him I was unhappy about with about 80% of it. So he recommended we go straight to mediation. Which apparently is expensive- but it will be worth it if we can get things worked to an agreeable point. It's funny- this is kind of how our marriage was too- we would argue back and forth until we came to a solid middle ground. The only differnce this time- is I am having a hard time not being a complete B. I know I have to look out for my kids and myself, for now and for our future. I know my chances of remarrying, or purchasing a home on my own are pretty slim. So I am trying to put myself in as good of position as I can. I know he wants to buy a home for himself, and still have a good life- but it's hard for me to think about that when I have my blinders on. I know I have to fight for myself right now- because I know no one else will. That is hard to swallow. I am starting to feel bad for him. Why is that?

Hashing it out

E called this morning and is ready to go over the legal jargon with me. I wanted him to explain exactly what he was wanting- in his own words. We discussed things. He was very surprised that I wasn't willing to go along with his demands. I must say that I was surprised that he thinks my life will just keep getting better, that I will continue to make more and more money every year- and that he definately sees me finishing school and pursing teaching. That was nice to hear. But his main focus is that he will not be able to buy a house with this mortgage hanging over his head. I can see his point. But he had a fine home already. He was the one who decided to leave- so I think he will have to live with those consequences. He makes plenty of money to make this all work. I told him I am not trying to be greedy. I want to provide the best life I can for the kids. They deserve a home- the one they have grown up in. I can't provide that for them if I have this fluctuating income every year. I told him we both owe it to the kids to figure out a stable figure that I can depend on every month. He wants the money to be coming to me in alimony because it is tax deductible that way. But either way- the money he spends on ch. supp. and alimony will count against his monthly spending. So I don't see what difference it makes. As long as he agrees on an amount that we can both work with I will be fine with that. All I want is to be able to pay the bills.

I will be calling my lawyer and going over a few things. I don't know if I will need to go in and see him or if we can do it over the phone. But I do know that mediation is most likely in our future.

The papers arrived

I received Eric's response to my petition for divorce. His ammendments are completely ridiculous. He wants to only pay alimony for 5 years- not 7 like my lawyer told me on the phone. It should be 10. He still wants to persue joint physical custody- and therefore the child support would be completely different, only $400.

He is requesting that I keep the house- but immediately refinance it and put it in my name. If I don't refinance, when the house sells, he wants 50% of the profit at that time- not just what the house is worth now. Also in lieu of 50% of his 401K- he will give me 11,500 additional home proceeds. What?

He added a clause that neither of us could move more than 150 miles away. He also added that he will make decisions concerning the kids when they are in his custody and I will make them when they are in my care. Can't we make these decisions together?

I am absolutely disgusted. He knows I won't be able to make it on the money he is offering. I honestly don't know what he expects me to do. I don't make enough money to refinance- so he made the suggestion that I find a co-signer for the home loan. Hello? Who the hell would that be? My parents are retiring, and I wouldn't ask them for that kind of a favor anyway- I have two ex-husbands who have left me high and dry. Am I suppose to pursue a welfare check so that I can keep my kids in a home of our own? Or a third job- so that I will be home even less?

I am torn about my work situation now. I will not let the kids go stay with him anymore- only on his weekends and the one night a week. I cannot believe he would penalize me for WORKING!! Should I quit working and ask him for more money? Should I work days and ask him for more money to pay for his half of child care? He is trying to arrange the alimony in such a way that once I finish school he will be paying me less and less. Doesn't he realize that I will actually be making the same amount of money (or less) than I do right now? It would be a teachers salary- pull your head out dumbass!

Why is he in such a hurry to wash his hands of me. I can tell he is trying to make me move in with my parents. Then he can pay me less, and clear all financial obligation ties we have together. Well guess what pal. I am not going to agree to any of your crazy demands. I am sticking to my guns. I will have physical custody and we will share legal custody. I will work out whatever I have to to make sure these kids know that I am the primary caregiver- just like I have been since they were born. Just because you come home from work at 6:30 and put them to bed at 9:00- and sleep in the bedroom next to theirs- does that make you a better parent than me? I help them get ready in the morning, take them to school, pick them up from school, take them to their lessons, pick them up from their lessons, I am the one arranging all of their plans and the one who knows what is going on in their life. He still doesn't even know what time or day any of their lessons are, let alone anything about their school lives. Then I work all night long so that I won't be missing any important time with them- then it begins again the next day. If they stay home sick- or have a day off from school- who is here for them. ME! What will happen in the summer if I am working all day? Where will they go then? I will find employment that will keep me home with them. If it pays less- I guess that is what I have to do. I refuse to be labeled a part time parent when I am a triple shift mom!

I am flabbergasted that he is behaving this way. I must have really done something horrible for him to treat me this way. He has always bent over backward supporting me- telling me what a great mom I am- he would never let the kids disrespect me. So why is he doing a complete flip-flop on that philosophy? I feel like he is flushing my existence down the toilet. He wants to rub me out of his memory and just throw crumbs at me to keep me happy. Well, obviously, he doesn't know who he's dealing with! It's about to get ugly. Thanks for making this quick and easy E!

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

I called my soon to be ex this morning. I asked him about the status of things- told him I hadn't heard from either lawyer. He assured me that I would be getting all of the money I would need for keeping the house and taking care of the kids.

I tried to be easy going about it- it sounded great. I told him thank you. I was grateful and relieved. But I thought I would call my lawyer and just see if he had heard anything. He had.

My lawyer said that E was asking for $400 in child support (for two kids- the legal limit is 1250 in Utah for our amount of income). My lawyer said E did agree to alimony but to some cockamamie reducing plan over the years. Two years at X amount, three years at X amount, one year at X amount, and then eventually just child support after 7 years. I am legally entitled to alimony for the length we were married - 10 years- unless I remarry or cohabit with someone. Not happening.

I am sick to my stomach. I cannot believe he would try to do this. When we initially separated he was very reassuring- telling me that he would definitely pay for the house so that the kids would not have to move. He has been a great dad for all these years- Honestly, I am shocked that he would even suggest to pay less than the legally required amount. What the hell is he thinking?? I will get every penny of child support for my kids. He owes them and ME that much. This is not the man I married- he has definitely lost his mind.

So I told my lawyer that I would review the paperwork thoroughly when it comes in the mail tomorrow and we will prepare for mediation. If we can't agree- we will go to court. I also informed E that he is the biggest liar I have ever met. I told him to prepare for a fully contested divorce. The kids will stay with me- we will not have joint physical custody. He will pay the legal amount of child support. I have fire coming out of my ears- can ya feel it??

I need an outlet

I am currently going through my second divorce. With one child from my first marriage and two from my second- I am finding it difficult to vent my frustrations. The kids are usually around and I am tired of complaining to friends and family. I try to be upbeat around the kids-but I have so many inner battles that I need to discuss. I thought this would be a great outlet.

My first marriage ended because I was too focused on work and not my marriage. He ended up having a year long affair and then ended it with me to be with her. He kept the house, and she moved in shortly after I moved out. That was really hard. He has had several girlfriends but has never remarried. I brought a lot of that baggage with me into my second marriage.

I married again exactly one year after the divorce. I know now that I didn't give myself enough time to heal. I was very happy for a while. But once I closed my business due to financial problems- things took a turn for the worse in my marriage. I was so afraid of divorcing again that I buried my head in the sand. I would get upset or depressed about things and then immediately get over it- because I had a good life, three great kids, and a husband who loved me. He was making great money- I was working part-time to give myself a boost of self esteem. But once again- I was focused way too much on me, and not enough on my marriage. Well, there are so many other factors, I let myself go (I gained 70 lbs), I relied on him too much. I was working nights and was exhausted all the time. I tried to keep up with the house, but before long, he was making dinner, doing the laundry, and making all the money. I was helping the kids with homework and chores and that was about the extent of my contribution. Long story short- we grew apart- and fell out of love. We celebrated our 10th anniversary- and he knew things were not working between us. I still felt pretty happy. He asked to end it- sort of- he withdrew from everything- and I got tired of it. So I asked him to leave. Then after only a few days we decided to divorce. I immediately sought out an attorney and got all the paper work started. I guess having been through it before I just knew what to do.

Here we are 6 weeks later. He has found a furnished basement apartment, the kids have started the wonderful world of split custody. The crying when it's time to go to dad's, the crying when dad leaves, the crying when dad's not at home. It is heartbreaking. He has seen two attorney's, but I have heard nothing. He has not moved any of his stuff out- except clothes and some spiritual items. I am still in shock I think. I knew things were not perfect, but I didn't think we were anywhere near divorce.

I am left wondering if he is seeing someone else? is he happy? does he miss me? He comes to take the kids for their mid-week night date, or their weekend together. I am really struggling with the fact that he can still love the kids so much- but have no feelings for me. I cry every time he takes them. I guess I am just not great wife material.

My 7 yr. old son is acting out. He fights with me about everything-getting dressed, going to school, waking up, doing chores, doing homework, going to Karate. I am literally at the end of my rope with him. I try to be silly with him to snap him out of it- I try to be calm and assertive, then he starts kicking and hitting me. He wears me down and pretty soon I am just yelling. The only thing that calms him down is to call dad and let him talk to him. It kills me. How can I deal with this on a day to day basis.

My 9 yr. old daughter is doing ok most of the time. She does miss him- but I think things are a lot more permissive and fun with out dad around. Now she cries about going with him. She doesn't want to leave me. But then she cries about missing him. I feel so bad for them both. It is so much harder on the kids than us.

My 14 yr. old daughter from my previous marriage is pretty happy about the whole deal. She put up with him because she knew it was just the way step-families work. He was her step-dad from the time she was 4. They had plenty of time to build a good relationship, but I was always the referee with them. He was very strict with her and it never sat well with her. He tried to get along with her, but their personalities never gelled. It was a hard thing for me. I love them both. What do I do? I tried to support his style of parenting but it never came naturally for me- I was always worried about what he would think about what I was doing. It was never good enough.

Now that he is out of the house- I feel a freedom that I didn't know I was missing. I have been redecorating the house (painting anyway). I can parent the kids in a way that feels right and more my speed. It is still hard- but I am not trying to please him with my parenting. I joined a singing group, I have started a weight loss group, and I am trying to reconnect with friends I have long lost contact with. I feel like I am in a better place. I still cry alot- but I hope things will get easier.

Everything is still up in the air with the divorce. He wants to only pay half the child support, but is willing to pay alimony. I just want to keep the kids in the house they grew up in. I think I owe that to them. It is the only thing we have. But I don't know if I will be able to keep it if he isn't willing to pay me what he should. Currently we still have our bills and money combined. He is a highly paid executive and with my income we get by just fine. I think he is afraid of how much his lifestyle will change once he starts paying me what he is suppose to. He will have as much money as me. I will be able to make a house payment, all the bills, and have a little left over for the kids. Why can't he make it on more money than I will have? I am disgusted about that. He acts like he will be living on the streets.

I will keep posting on the progress of our divorce. This really is a great outlet for me. I know I am totally rambling- but it's nice to finally be able to say these things.