I am currently going through my second divorce. With one child from my first marriage and two from my second- I am finding it difficult to vent my frustrations. The kids are usually around and I am tired of complaining to friends and family. I try to be upbeat around the kids-but I have so many inner battles that I need to discuss. I thought this would be a great outlet.
My first marriage ended because I was too focused on work and not my marriage. He ended up having a year long affair and then ended it with me to be with her. He kept the house, and she moved in shortly after I moved out. That was really hard. He has had several girlfriends but has never remarried. I brought a lot of that baggage with me into my second marriage.
I married again exactly one year after the divorce. I know now that I didn't give myself enough time to heal. I was very happy for a while. But once I closed my business due to financial problems- things took a turn for the worse in my marriage. I was so afraid of divorcing again that I buried my head in the sand. I would get upset or depressed about things and then immediately get over it- because I had a good life, three great kids, and a husband who loved me. He was making great money- I was working part-time to give myself a boost of self esteem. But once again- I was focused way too much on me, and not enough on my marriage. Well, there are so many other factors, I let myself go (I gained 70 lbs), I relied on him too much. I was working nights and was exhausted all the time. I tried to keep up with the house, but before long, he was making dinner, doing the laundry, and making all the money. I was helping the kids with homework and chores and that was about the extent of my contribution. Long story short- we grew apart- and fell out of love. We celebrated our 10th anniversary- and he knew things were not working between us. I still felt pretty happy. He asked to end it- sort of- he withdrew from everything- and I got tired of it. So I asked him to leave. Then after only a few days we decided to divorce. I immediately sought out an attorney and got all the paper work started. I guess having been through it before I just knew what to do.
Here we are 6 weeks later. He has found a furnished basement apartment, the kids have started the wonderful world of split custody. The crying when it's time to go to dad's, the crying when dad leaves, the crying when dad's not at home. It is heartbreaking. He has seen two attorney's, but I have heard nothing. He has not moved any of his stuff out- except clothes and some spiritual items. I am still in shock I think. I knew things were not perfect, but I didn't think we were anywhere near divorce.
I am left wondering if he is seeing someone else? is he happy? does he miss me? He comes to take the kids for their mid-week night date, or their weekend together. I am really struggling with the fact that he can still love the kids so much- but have no feelings for me. I cry every time he takes them. I guess I am just not great wife material.
My 7 yr. old son is acting out. He fights with me about everything-getting dressed, going to school, waking up, doing chores, doing homework, going to Karate. I am literally at the end of my rope with him. I try to be silly with him to snap him out of it- I try to be calm and assertive, then he starts kicking and hitting me. He wears me down and pretty soon I am just yelling. The only thing that calms him down is to call dad and let him talk to him. It kills me. How can I deal with this on a day to day basis.
My 9 yr. old daughter is doing ok most of the time. She does miss him- but I think things are a lot more permissive and fun with out dad around. Now she cries about going with him. She doesn't want to leave me. But then she cries about missing him. I feel so bad for them both. It is so much harder on the kids than us.
My 14 yr. old daughter from my previous marriage is pretty happy about the whole deal. She put up with him because she knew it was just the way step-families work. He was her step-dad from the time she was 4. They had plenty of time to build a good relationship, but I was always the referee with them. He was very strict with her and it never sat well with her. He tried to get along with her, but their personalities never gelled. It was a hard thing for me. I love them both. What do I do? I tried to support his style of parenting but it never came naturally for me- I was always worried about what he would think about what I was doing. It was never good enough.
Now that he is out of the house- I feel a freedom that I didn't know I was missing. I have been redecorating the house (painting anyway). I can parent the kids in a way that feels right and more my speed. It is still hard- but I am not trying to please him with my parenting. I joined a singing group, I have started a weight loss group, and I am trying to reconnect with friends I have long lost contact with. I feel like I am in a better place. I still cry alot- but I hope things will get easier.
Everything is still up in the air with the divorce. He wants to only pay half the child support, but is willing to pay alimony. I just want to keep the kids in the house they grew up in. I think I owe that to them. It is the only thing we have. But I don't know if I will be able to keep it if he isn't willing to pay me what he should. Currently we still have our bills and money combined. He is a highly paid executive and with my income we get by just fine. I think he is afraid of how much his lifestyle will change once he starts paying me what he is suppose to. He will have as much money as me. I will be able to make a house payment, all the bills, and have a little left over for the kids. Why can't he make it on more money than I will have? I am disgusted about that. He acts like he will be living on the streets.
I will keep posting on the progress of our divorce. This really is a great outlet for me. I know I am totally rambling- but it's nice to finally be able to say these things.
No comments:
Post a Comment