E called to let me know that our mediation date is set for May 5th. I said that I would hate to wait that long when we are just going to be hashing it out ourselves. Can't we just come to an agreement and not pay the $800.00 for mediation. He agreed that he would like to avoid that. So we went through everything line by line again. It boils down to child support, and custody that we still don't agree on. He said that he thinks I won't want him to support me for the next 10 years. He knows how independent I am when it comes to money. I said that in a way- Yes- I would not like to be dependent on your money. But- I AM entitled to compensation for 10 years and I won't settle for 5. I said I would rather have him pay the full child support and not get any alimony than to have a 1/4 of the child support I was expecting and alimony that reduces every year. I can see his point and he can see mine. So he said that he would call his attorney. I asked him what he was thinking, he said "I don't know what I'm thinking- I'm not thinking straight- I need to clear my head." Then he said he would call me later. So I have no idea if we made any headway. But it felt like he had a change of heart. So we will see.
I feel like such a hag. But I got totally screwed in my last divorce. He got the house, no alimony, and no 401K benefits. But I remarried right away so I didn't really suffer for long. This time I know things will be different. I am in such a different place in my life. I don't feel in a position to even think about dating or bringing another person into my kids lives. I think I have screwed things up sufficiently for a while. I just don't want to give up what I have a legal right to. The laws are there for a reason. I deserve to be protected and for E to help in anyway he can in helping me to raise these kids. I guess for me that help will come in the form of money- and he thinks it should come in the form of him believing I can do it on my own. I guess I want it both ways.
Then later that same day- I got the news that I have been laid off at KJZZ. Fantastic. So now I have two strikes against me. Lost my man. Lost my job. Hopefully the kids being sick for the last two weeks was strike three. I can't take much more drama.
I know that when things like this happen that it just opens up new opportunities. When a door is closed- another one opens- or you go through a window- or you dig a hole in the floor and hide. Just kidding. I hope this will enable me to find something with better pay- and full time benefits wouldn't hurt either. Think good thoughts for me.
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