It's going to be ok

Eric called from Thailand today. I was very surprised to hear from him. He has been there since Wed. and wont be home until this Friday. I had sent him an email trying to clear up the visitation schedule for June & July. Since he has been gone for a while, and we will be in Las Vegas for a while, and a few other things- we needed to figure it all out. We were able to talk, and clear things up really easily. I was happy for that. We agreed that he would move his stuff out of the garage this Sunday so that I will still have time to prepare for the yardsale next weekend. I asked him if he would help me move a couple of big heavy pieces into the garage- and he agreed he would. It sounded like he had more to say- but didn't. There was that long awkward pause- where we both think something should be said- but nothing was. After a very emotional weekend- I feel like I am in a much better place. Things feel like they are falling into place and I know that things will be ok.

I have been watching Jon & Kate + 8. It's a reality show about a couple who had twins and then sextuplets. Well they are going through a really rough patch with rumors of affairs- parents being accused of working too hard when they should be home, losing respect for each other, blah, blah, blah. It has been good for me to see that I am not the only person going through this. So many families go through this. Sometimes the marriage just doesn't make sense. Sometimes the kids are better off with the parents apart. Sometimes the parents are better people without a spouse to dump emotions on. It seems like everyone is watching this show,and has an opinion about who is to blame, what they should do, and how things will end up. I really hope they can patch it up. But she really is mean to him. I feel bad for him. It's funny to see her wondering how all of this mess happened. I could see it coming 2 years ago. It's like a window into my life -5 children. I'm glad to see that she is accepting part of the blame. Looking back into my own marriage- I can see how I ended up here. It's so easy to take someone for granted when you just assume that they will always be there for you. I wish I would have treated my marriage and Eric with more respect. I know that hindsight is 20/20 but hopefully going through this will help me appreciate the relationships with the rest of my family in a better way.

The ring

While we were cleaning, busy, and having such a fun and enjoyable day yesterday- things came to a screeching halt. Montana came in and said with total excitement "Mommy look what I found." I turn around and she had my wedding ring in her hand. I immediately burst into tears. It looked so beautiful and shiny and huge, and has so many special memories attached. Everything came rushing at me like a wave. I feel so bad about this now- but I said through my tears "Go put that back right now!" She ran off in tears herself. I had to collect myself and calm down. I found her cuddled in Sierra's arms on the stairs. Who could help her understand better what was going on? It was a precious but heartbreaking site. I gathered her up and hugged her tight. I apologized for my outburst and tried to explain myself to her. I told her that mommy still has a lot of sadness about this divorce. I do my best to put on a happy face and not let the kids see me sad- but sometimes things catch me by surprise and I react before I think. I told her that she did not do anything wrong- the ring represents a very special time in my life. I do love that ring- and I love you. She seemed to understand, we hugged each other and the day got back to normal.

I did not save my ring from my first marriage and I have always missed it. I am not sure what to do with this ring. We picked it out together-it reminds me of how quickly and hard we fell in love. But it also reminds me of how quickly he fell in love with someone else. It reminds me of all the promises we made to each other- how hard we tried to make things work- how happy and sad we made each other.

It should be just a ring-but it represents so much more.

Overhaul

When we let go of fear, only then, can we gracefully move from what was, into the miracle of what can be.


I LOVE this quote. It's my new mantra. I am having trouble letting go. I need to focus on the future and try to release all the pain and sadness that I am wrapped up in right now. It is consuming my every thought and is really holding me back. I have so much I want to accomplish in this life and I hate the feeling of being trapped in the past. I know that everyone makes mistakes, takes wrong turns, and occasionally gets lost. I need to forgive myself, Eric & Chris, and move on to a better life, a better me, a better purpose.

I'm finding that I am more disappointed in myself than Eric. I have done a lot of reflecting and have found- that I am not even a person I want to be around. I have really let myself down. I had completely given up on myself and not even realized it. I am writing a new book of my life. I am trying to morph into the person I always wanted to be- but never even tried. Why is it so easy to get lost in yourself? To just go through the motions of being alive but not really living?

I've started to really take care of myself. I am back in Jazzercise. I love it- I always did. Why did I stop going? Stupid reasons. I need to take this time for me. I am smiling- my body is really awake and feeling it. I'm taking time to look good in the morning. Most of the time I am just rushing around worried about the kids and getting things done. But I have finally realized that I wouldn't drive around in a beat up old ugly car that barely runs- I would feel horrible, I would hate that car and I would hate the way that people would look at me. Well that's what I have done to myself. I think I have been so wrapped up in Eric and the kids- that I became a forgotten piece of furniture- covered in dust, unused, and falling apart from direpair. I'm in the shop- overhauling my mind, body, and spirit. It's time for me right now. I need to find myself, learn to love myself, forgive myself, and believe in me again. I've got a long road ahead- better get going.

It's all making sense now

For the last few days I have been in a really good place. I was just telling a few people that I am feeling bad- because after only 3 months I am kind of over the sad part of this divorce. I guess it really was the right thing to do...everything seems to be going as it should. Until today.

The kids went with Eric to the zoo yesterday. I was excited for them because we were going to be at competition all day with Sierra and they would be totally bored. Well this morning the kids called me and I started asking them about the day at the zoo. They of course had a great time with Daddy, CORILYNN & HER 2 KIDS!!! What?? That totally threw me for a loop. Corilynn is someone Eric works with. I am not sure if I have met her- if I had I don't remember. But I do know her name. Justice went to work with Eric about 3-4 months ago and after that day- Corilynn was all he could talk about. He couldn't wait to go back. Almost immediately after that we broke up.

I was furious about this whole date at the zoo. I can't believe he is having the kids go on dates with him already. I mean geez- at least let the dust settle. These poor kids have enough to worry about without having to wonder who this new family in their life is. I don't have all the facts...and just because Justice said they were making out doesn't mean that they were...it could have been an innocent kiss...but it is still completely and totally inappropriate at this point.

I have been crying all day about this-- I don't think it's because he's dating. I don't think it's because he didn't mention her at all during our break-up even though I asked his at least 6 times if he was seeing or interested in someone else...I think it's because it all makes sense now. And that makes me sad. It's hard to be left for another women once...but twice...

I am glad to be having these feelings. I need to be sad and angry and embarassed and devastated. It will only help me get over it and heal completely. The sad part is...I really loved him. And I wasn't loved in return. Will I ever trust a man again? Will I ever allow a man in my life again? I doubt it!!

He's Movin' Out...Sorda

I asked Eric to give me a date that he would be moving out. Then he called yesterday to tell me that he took the day off today to get everything packed up. He came over about 10:00 and got right to work. I was so glad to finally have this done. I asked him if he wanted me to be gone, he said he didn't care. So I stayed because I had a lot of math to do, and I need my computer to do it. Anyhoo- he got the bedroom pretty much done, his videos, pictures and a few little odds and ends. Boxed them up and stacked everything neatly in the garage. Then about 12:00 he said he had to leave to go meet so and so from work for lunch. I asked him when he was going to finish- his furniture, half the kitchen stuff, the garage and laundry room are all full of his things. Plus the boxes. So it was nice of him to take the day off to do two hours of work. He said he would be back first part of next week to finish with his dad's truck and his brother Dave's truck. I can see exactly how this is going to go. It won't get done due to scheduling problems, and "things have been crazy at work", and so and so has been sick. So his stuff will sit in the garage and nothing else will get packed until I get mad about it and put the ball back in motion. Ugh!! I will give him until May 20th. I told him I have the neighborhood yard sale coming up on June 8th and I need the garage cleaned out for that. I have a ton of stuff that I would like to get rid of and I need the level surface of the garage to make that happen (some big furniture pieces that neither of us want as well as clothes and a bunch of other stuff). I am trying to earn money for new carpet, fence, and the trip to Vegas next month, so every little bit will help. So I won't drop the hammer until I have to, but I will if push comes to shove. I have already given him 3 months get his stuff. So I don't think that's asking too much. I guess I'm just disappointed that it didn't get finished today like I hoped. Call me crazy- but when someone takes the day off to move out- they actually move out.

Mediation is Over

Well, the mediation was totally exhausting, nerve wracking, and successful- I think- for both of us. Four hours of back and forth, negotiating, nitpicking, and getting the wording just right. Eric got the custody he wanted (which was really hard for me), and I was able to keep the house, and get the alimony and child support I needed. The rest were just silly details to support those main agenda items. I haven't talked to Eric but I hope he isn't angry. He and his lawyer/barracuda were lowballing everything and lucky for me, my lawyer took the reigns and plowed us on through to a deal and didn't budge on anything. Thank goodness my lawyer was there because I learned how tough it is to get what you want. I would have caved about hour two of negotiations.

I am so happy that the kids will get to stay in their same schools, with their same friends, we don't have to move, I have money to pay the bills (still need a job to complete the plan), they are close to their dads, and I can keep the house my kids have grown up in. I do have to refinance it within a few years, but for now- everything is as it should be.

I feel so blessed. I know that Eric is a good dad and I am so happy that he fought for time with his children- he REALLY wants to spend time with them and not just be a visitor. I may have picked two rotten husbands- but how did I pick two of the best dads around.

Parenting Class

I took the mandatory Divorced Parenting Class tonight. Three hours of movies, stories, what to do, what not to do, what I will feel, what my ex will feel, what the kids will go through, what the family will go through. Very informative and very depressing. The couple directly in front of me were whispering in each others ears the whole time and smiling at each other. I kept thinking "Why are you two here?" It was very distracting and making me upset. I had to keep biting my tongue so I would not yell at them and tell them to move. The nerve of some people- to be all agreeable and happy- what is that about?? :-)

I cried a few times and found that I am just not ready to hear some hard truths yet. Like "when your ex starts dating and/or remarries you should do xyz", and the jokes about it being easier to have your ex die than to divorce them- everyone laughed except me, and the heartwrenching artwork & stories by children of divorced parents, ugh. Not a fun night. But it's done. Now I can be a divorced parent. again. yeah.