Overhaul

When we let go of fear, only then, can we gracefully move from what was, into the miracle of what can be.


I LOVE this quote. It's my new mantra. I am having trouble letting go. I need to focus on the future and try to release all the pain and sadness that I am wrapped up in right now. It is consuming my every thought and is really holding me back. I have so much I want to accomplish in this life and I hate the feeling of being trapped in the past. I know that everyone makes mistakes, takes wrong turns, and occasionally gets lost. I need to forgive myself, Eric & Chris, and move on to a better life, a better me, a better purpose.

I'm finding that I am more disappointed in myself than Eric. I have done a lot of reflecting and have found- that I am not even a person I want to be around. I have really let myself down. I had completely given up on myself and not even realized it. I am writing a new book of my life. I am trying to morph into the person I always wanted to be- but never even tried. Why is it so easy to get lost in yourself? To just go through the motions of being alive but not really living?

I've started to really take care of myself. I am back in Jazzercise. I love it- I always did. Why did I stop going? Stupid reasons. I need to take this time for me. I am smiling- my body is really awake and feeling it. I'm taking time to look good in the morning. Most of the time I am just rushing around worried about the kids and getting things done. But I have finally realized that I wouldn't drive around in a beat up old ugly car that barely runs- I would feel horrible, I would hate that car and I would hate the way that people would look at me. Well that's what I have done to myself. I think I have been so wrapped up in Eric and the kids- that I became a forgotten piece of furniture- covered in dust, unused, and falling apart from direpair. I'm in the shop- overhauling my mind, body, and spirit. It's time for me right now. I need to find myself, learn to love myself, forgive myself, and believe in me again. I've got a long road ahead- better get going.