Lonely vs. Dating??

Eric called to talk to the kids this morning but Justice had slept over at mom and dads, and Tana had slept at her friend Kylei's. So I told him to call them at those places- but I guess he didn't. So once I had picked up Justice I had him call Eric. Justice likes to put the phone on speaker so unfortunately I had to listen to the whole conversation. Eric sounded really lonely. He is in Las Vegas for a work convention. He kept telling Justi over and over how much he missed him. It sounded like he was about to cry. So I am happy to see that he has feelings after all. Tana has not spoken to him yet.

On a happier note- I have been asked out a couple of times in the last week. Very surprising to me. They were friends of friends. I told them both no- I would rather wait until things are finalized- and I honestly just don't want to get into that yet. But it did make me feel a little better. Maybe when things have settled down and I'm not so sad- I would be a better date. We'll see.

Duh!

Eric just sent me an email informing me that he had just taken the Divorced Parents class that is required for our divorce to be final. He let me know that it was very interesting, he learned a lot, and that it reinforced a lot of what we are already doing.

Thanks for the information. Yeah- I've taken the class before dumbass!! I know exactly what they talk about. We were suppose to go to this class together- not required- but we taked about it a while ago. Whatever. I guess I'm just mad that he did it before me. And that he is so matter of fact about it. Why does this whole divorce seem to not even phase him? Now I have hot tears running down my red cheeks.

I have started a growing list of the things that were not working in our marriage. And the things about him that drove me crazy. And the things about me that probably drove him crazy. Then I refer to that list when I miss him and cry about us divorcing. It keeps me slightly sane. My biggest realization is that I didn't put enough time and effort into my marriage. I only seem to miss him a) when the kids aren't around or b) when I go to sleep or c) when something is broken. The rest of the time my life feels pretty normal and I enjoy the freedom of not having to check with him about everything. What should we have for dinner? Can the kids do this? Is it ok if I buy this? When are we going to do X? I feel guilty about that. But it also makes me realize that I will be fine on my own. As soon as I can find a handyman that will work for free, I will have no need for a man- right?

Money

Eric and I split our finanaces yesterday. Up until now everything has still been combined. I was obsessing over where he was spending his money. I guess I am still trying to figure out what is going on with him.

So I told him I wanted to get that part of our marriage behind us. He will continue to pay for the house until the support payments kick in.

I also asked him when he is planning on moving out- all of his stuff is STILL here. He said PROBABLY next week and weekend. Which means PROBABLY NOT. I am furious about this. He says "work is crazy- I've just been so busy". Everytime he says that I just want to gouge his eyes out. Get your ass over here and take care of your shit. I am tired of this whole mess. Everywhere I look it's his crap taking up all the space in this house. We have plans to get on with our lives and it just feels like everything is on pause until HE decides what or even WHEN he is doing it. I just want to scream.

The mediation feels like it will never get here. I need to go and take the divorced parenting course so that once mediation is done there won't be anything left to do and I can put this whole mess behind me.

I feel like I am at rock bottom in life- I know there is nowhere to go from here except up. I guess I just need a good cry and I will be fine. I wish I could put the pieces of my life back together and everything would be ok- but it's just not that easy. It's more like an explosion and I can't even find the parts to begin putting things back in order.

I'm still looking for a job. No call backs, no interviews- only a handful of companies have even responded to tell me I didn't get the job. So I am getting very anxious that I will find something before my unemployment runs out.

I talked with my cousin Holly yesterday and she said that losing my job and my marriage at the same time is really a blessing. Life is opening up for me and I can go any direction I want to. God is wiping the slate clean so that I can seriously start over. I hope she is right. I know the right job will come along. I just need to be patient and smart. I just want to take care of my family in the best way I can.

Please pray for me to stay positive and patient. I need all the help I can get.

Weird

Eric stopped by today to drop off J's backpack that he left at his place. Montana was at dance and Sierra was with Chris. So it was just the three of us. J was blowing bubbles out on the front steps. I was standing there thinking he was just going to drop it off and go. But he kept asking questions and chit-chatting with J and I. He was being very friendly. Asking about my school, the job hunt, Easter plans, my wicked tickets, how we were doing, etc. I kept waiting for him to say something important- or ask to come in- or something. His body language was very open to me. Usually he doesn't look at me or face me at all- just talks to the kids like I am not there. So this seemed very weird. He stayed for probably 15 minutes. After he left, he called right back...I thought "OK, here it comes". But he just wanted to say he was proud of Sierra for making Drill. He asked a lot of questions about it- he thought it was cheerleading- so I tried to explain how it was different. I told him I would let Sierra know what he said. I am still perplexed. Why is he being nice now? Does he have something big he is trying to say? I'm not ready for him to be nice. Because I know nothing has changed. It was a nice conversation- but it makes me uneasy. What is up with him? Who knows...

Sleeping Alone

I realized last night that I have not been sleeping in my bed. I keep falling asleep on the couch while watching tv. I don't do this on purpose- but I did figure out why it's hard to get in bed. Every time I lay in my bed I sleep on the same side. Even though I bought new bed sheets and comforter- it still smells like him. I can still feel him cuddling in close to me like he would, until we would fall asleep. I miss that a lot. I miss the phone calls that would come all day long- what are you doing? what's happening tonight? how are the kids? I'm just leaving work....Now it's just quiet awkward silence. When he calls, he only wants to talk to the kids- I keep thinking he will apologize and this nightmare will end. But then I wake up- and realize I've fallen asleep on the couch alone again. I wish he would come and pack up his stuff. I think that would make my healing begin. I keep wanting to do it. I'm sick of looking at it. But I want him to do the work. What is he waiting for? I know he just doesn't want to deal with it. I don't either. But eventually- it must be done.
Grama Dodie and I had lunch yesterday. She told me that her and Grampa had their share of troubles and almost split several times. But then they would come to their senses and realize they had a family to raise- and there was no other way to do it than together. She also told me that she has no respect for any man who would leave his family. I have to say that I agree with her. It is very disappointing. We both think there is a woman involved in this mess somewhere. But I haven't heard or found anything like that out yet. It's the only thing that would make any sense out of this mess. At any rate...the kids are coming home around noon today. I'm excited to see them. Two days is an eternity to spend by yourself when you are use to kids hollering "MOM" every 5 seconds. Can't wait to kiss their little faces!!

So hard

E came to pick the kids up yesterday. They were both having an all out tantrum. They are both trying to arrange sleepovers for tonight. Since it is dad's weekend, I told them that they would have to arrange it with him. He has never been a sleepover fan- party pooper. So the kids automatically assume he is going to say no before they even ask. But they asked anyway. He said he would think about it- well they start bawling, and bawling. "You never let me have sleepovers!!" Then it just escalated from there. Montana was complaining about going with him before he even got here. Then when he arrived, she was not quiet about it. Justice started flailing on the floor- screaming "I want to have a sleepover!!". Montana is crying "I don't want to go!" I was almost in tears. I kept telling the kids- "Come on- Daddy is here, he loves you and wants to spend time with you." Poor E- is trying to hold it together. I could tell it was really hurting his feelings. I told him that they will be fine once they get to your place. It's just the getting there that's hard. I had to peel Justice of the leg of the entry table, and then E had to carry him to the car. They drove off- with both kids wailing. I sat on the couch and cried. I know it will get easier- but talk about heart wrenching. They called me before bed and it sounded like things had calmed down- but they were saying they missed me. I tried to be brief on the phone so that things wouldn't escalate again. I told them I loved them, to be good for their dad, sleep well, and I'll see in the morning.
E dropped the kids off this morning and they were happy as clams. Until the door shut- E drove off- and Montana started in again. "I don't want to see Aliens vs. Monsters. I don't want to go with daddy." She started crying again. I sat her down and tried to have a heart to heart talk with her. I tried to explain how much her daddy loves her and he wants to spend time with her. "When you say these things it hurts daddy. When it's daddy's turn- you have to go with him- even though you don't like it, and mommy doesn't like it. It will get easier." I asked her if she could decide- how many days a week do you want to be with daddy. She said- "I don't even miss him! I don't want to go at all!" I was shocked to hear this come out of her mouth. I know she is just saying these things because she is hurting and upset. She said "I'm sick of this- I just want things to be the way they were!" So we just sat there holding each other. I let her cry.
Then I just tried to change the subject- let's draw a good luck note for Sierra. She is trying out for drill team tonight. Let's make her a cute card. It took her a minute- but she did snap out of it.
I am absolutely heart broken today. My babies are hurting and I can't make it better. I feel bad for Eric and I feel bad for the kids. There is no way to deal with this. Hugs, smiles, and a good attitude are all I can think of to help them right now. If I am positive about them spending time with their dad- hopefully they will enjoy it. But I can't make them. I still think every other weekend and one weeknight date with dad is enough for them. I think they are just as mad at him as I am, and it shows.

Here we go again

Talked to E this morning. I asked him if he called his lawyer. He said "about what?" I reminded him of our last conversation- he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. So we are back to square one I guess. I can't trust anything he says. He says one thing- does nothing.

I received the papers for mediation in the mail yesterday. It's not until May 5th. We have to submit in writing, exactly what we want- and be willing to negotiate. It is $275 an hour- they said to plan on 4 hours. E and I will split the cost- but that still is extremely expensive. I need to ask my lawyer if he will be there. I don't want to go into this with out some backup. I have stuck by my guns so far- and so has he.

We are still arguing about custody. Since I lost my job, there is no reason for the kids to stay with him during the week. But now he is insisting on it because it was in the original paperwork we agreed on. I am furious about how stubborn he is being. He accused me of using the kids as pawns in our game. I told him this is not a game. This is our life- and their lives. I am very serious about being there mother and I always have been. He is only taking a bigger role in their lives since we separated. My job day and night for the last 14 years has been being a mother. I know he misses them and I am glad he wants to see them more than every other weekend- but he could have been with them everyday if he would have stayed with the family. He chose to leave. He needs to learn that divorced life will be very different.

I am really feeling the weight of this today. I am feeling hopeless and worthless. I know I am a good mom and was a good wife- why is he treating me like a gold digger. Someone only interested in money. That is so not me. I am interested in taking care of my family's needs- that includes me.