A new attitude

It's been a while since I have posted anything here. In the beginning it was therapeutic to vent my anger and my frustrations. But after a while, I think it just perpetuated those feelings. Writing them down solidified them. My new attitude is to just let things go. To not hold on to my anger but to feel it, express it, and then forget it. I still have my moments of complete regret, I still miss Eric terribly. I know I really screwed up and that I may never find anyone like him again. However, I do feel that I am a better person for going through this painful divorce. I have realized that no matter how much someone can irritate you and drive you crazy--- it is so important to remember the core reasons why you love that person. The why. I felt entitled instead of blessed. I know I treated him horribly and that I was a mess. I don't blame him for moving on. It really woke me up and I am moving to a new and better place.

I have started dating quite a bit. It's been a weird experience. I have a pretty good idea of what I would like, and I definitely know what I don't want. It's hard because everyone wants to be loved for what they are...to not have someone want to change you...but to honestly appreciate what you have to offer. Due to my crazy work schedule I can only date maybe 4-5 times a month. I try to limit it to nights when the kids are with their dad. But that doesn't always work out. One guy that I have been dating, Tim, is a definite boyfriend possibility. We've been out several times and have a great time together. We mostly communicate by phone. It's weird to have someone new appreciate you. We both are in no hurry to rush things or get into a serious relationship. We just date when we have time & don't put any expectations on each other. We both discovered that we have not been dating anyone else for a couple of months. Interesting. He's really sweet to me and treats me like a princess for whatever reason. I think he needs glasses for sure, but I am enjoying it! I'm not sure how I feel about him yet, but there is definitely something there. He lives an hour away, has three young boys, is also twice divorced, is gainfully employed & faithfully pays his child support, and doesn't live with his mom. So there is the good and the bad. He's a good LDS guy and a sweet dad. We went out once with Justice & Montana & had a really fun time. He went to one of Sierra's football games with me- but she didn't meet him. I haven't met his kids yet and I don't know if I will. But it's fun to be out there and exploring my options. My kids still come first and I'm definitely not ready to add more to my plate. Moving on is weird...but I'll give it a try.

It makes my stomach churn

I dropped the kids to Eric in Lehi last night for the baseball game. They said they had a great time. Justice was really excited about it. Montana was prepared for complete boredom...but I think she had fun despite trying not to.

This morning Eric came to drop the kids off, in Cori Lynn's car, with Cori Lynn in the passenger seat. Justice told me that they left Eric's car at Neways, and that Cori Lynn & Jilli slept over === ugh!!! That's all just fine and dandy...but have some respect...don't bring her to my house!!!! It makes my stomach churn.

I know I need to just get use to this. I know that she is in their daily life whether I like it or not. I don't have anything against her personally...I'm sure she's fabulous. I just don't like her on my turf. They are all but married. I hope he knows what he's doing.

Chris has always been great about keeping his girlfriends away from me. I've met them occassionally, and usually only heard about them from Sierra in passing. He spends his away time with them. I guess I've just gotten use to that. It's hard because Eric just keeps pushing her in my face. She's ALWAYS around and it all happened so quickly after we separated. I'm trying to be a big girl about this. I try to be excited for the kids when they go do fun stuff. I know they like her--- I'm just sick of being left behind for something younger, prettier, and more exciting. I'm a great catch and I just want someone to appreciate me.

A bit of a set back

Had a bit of a set back last night. It was Justice's last soccer game and Eric informed me that he was going to bring the girlfriend and her daughter. Ugh!! Eric came to a game last week when I was there with the kids and it was totally awkward. We were sitting in the shade with chairs (and an extra one he could have sat in) cold water, and snacks. He decided to go stand on the other side of the field in the blazing sun. STAND. For an hour. It was totally lame. Montana kept asking why daddy wouldn't come sit with us. I just had to say "I don't know"...

Well, I had been gearing up for the inevitable all day. First I thought I would just drop the kids off and go home. But since it was the last game, Justice was going to be getting his trophy & picture, and I decided I was not going to let them drive me off. So about 20 minutes before game time a huge storm starts blowing in---and I mean BLOWING!! We weren't sure if they were going to play or not, but I knew they would be there to pass out trophies and pictures for sure. Montana started her usual freak out mode when storms blow in..."I don't want to go...can't I just stay home...can't I just stay in the car...(all the while hiding under pillows on the floor and crying). So I was going to have to drag her to the game. Then Sierra wanted to go to a friends instead of the game. So by the time we got to the game, Montana was hysterically crying. We got out of the car, and the wind was really blowing. I saw Eric & Corilynn a few parking spots away. Montana started screaming for Eric, I told her he was right over there, and she ran to him, and Corilynn asked her if she wanted to watch the game in her car...so she got in. Justice & Eric darted off for the field...and I was left standing there alone. No one said hello or goodbye. I saw the game start...but I just couldn't stay.

I started to leave the field and the tears just started coming. I know this was just an unfortunate turn of events. If the wind wasn't blowing so hard the kids would have hugged and kissed me goodbye. I know Eric would have thought to make them do that if they didn't do it on their own. But to see Montana run to Corilynn when she was scared just tore my heart out. I didn't want to sit there alone and watch my family from afar. So I just left.

I cried the whole way home and for quite a while once I got there. Eric told me a few days ago that he is looking for a place in Lehi. I know they will be moving in together as soon as possible. If they don't get married soon I will be very surprised. The kids have never been with Eric when she and her kids haven't been there. They have sleepovers all the time. The kids really get along great and the like Corilynn a lot. I try not to let it bother me...but it does. What can I do about it? Nothing.

I hate that she has replaced me when they are with him. I hate that my kids love her. I hate that they do everything fun under the sun now. Baseball Games, Museums, the Beach, Waterparks, Festivals, on and on and on. I use to beg him to go do fun stuff with us and he would rarely have time or want to go, or he would say we didn't have the money for stuff like that, when we really did. He was always too busy or didn't want to go. And when we did go...he would not enjoy himself. Now he has half the money he use to and can't stay home for even one night.

He wants me to meet him in Lehi tonight so that he can take the kids to a baseball game in Orem. I have met him there several times so that they can go do something fun with Corilynn & her kids in Utah County. This will be the last time I do this for a while. I realize that it is a two hour drive for him to come and get the kids and then drive them back...but I'm not going to spend my time & gas for him to go galavanting off with his girlfriend. They can just as easily do stuff on our turf and not put me out. That's the price you pay for a long distance relationship.

It just ticks me off because everytime I make take notice of how well I am doing, or how I am finally finding a good spot in my life emotionally...immediately he throws something else at me to knock me back down. I know I got the house, the alimony & child support that I wanted and needed. And there are days when I feel so blessed...but today all I wanted was my happy family back together and for us to enjoy a sunny day at the soccer game together. Such a simple thing...and I know I will not have that again. I will survive, and life goes on. OK...I think I am done ranting and raving.

My new favorite song is called "Who's got your money". It makes me happy everytime I hear it. It's about a couple who breaks up and she goes out and spends all of his money to feel better. The whole song doesn't apply to me...but there are a couple of lines that I sing at the top of my lungs..
"Look at me here I go, spending all of your dough!" and "He broke my heart so I took his money!" Every time I get the child support and alimony money from him it makes the pain a little less, because I know it is hurting him in the only way I can really get back at him. I love to see his bank balance, it makes me smile. Wow--reading these words makes me seem like a bitch---hmmm....this is a new side of me...I kinda like it!

Checking in

I haven't posted for a while, so thought I would just check in.

I have been dating quite a bit lately. Great guys. Just not a lot of chemistry. One guy in particular thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don't know what's wrong with him!! :-) But he texts & calls me quite often. When we went out he kept taking pictures of me with his cell phone. He is a nut and makes me laugh. The kids asked if he was my new boyfriend...no. I told them that I'm just not sure about this guy, I'm not that into him. But they want me to give him a chance. I just think it's funny that we discuss it, and they seem ok with it, and they really want me to find someone that will make me happy.

What a weird position to be in...discussing dates with your kids???

I'm feeling a lot better about the way things have panned out. It's been so good for me to rely on myself. For me to count on ME! I'm developing a lot of confidence. I'm also realizing that I still have a lot of flaws that need to be addressed. It's nice to have this time to work on myself and really try to improve what makes me tick. I know I'm ok the way I am...but I want to be better. I'm enjoying being single and focusing on my kids and myself. We are a great team and I am so grateful to be a mom.

Getting out there

Being a single mom while trying to date is really weird. I've had quite a few dates in the last couple of weeks. I only go out if the kids are away, and this month I have had lots of kid free days. I don't want them getting involved in that mess unless things get more serious...which I don't anticipate for some time. The kids are really supportive...they want me to date and find someone special. It's sweet--but strange. It is so weird to be home alone...so it's nice to get out of the house. The dating world is so different now. I'm on a couple of LDS dating sites...it's fun to chat, and make friends- how else do you meet people? Everyone is so busy and in their own world. Everyone I have met is divorced, has kids, and is working around custody/divorce issues. Or they've never been married. All I can think about is how in the world can you be 40 and never married?? So far, the guys I like aren't interested in me...and the ones that are into me, I am not interested in them. The dates I've gone on have been fun...but no chemistry...and therefore no second date. I've been invited to a few singles activities and adventures that sound amazing...but I haven't worked up the courage to go yet. When the time is right I will. So it's been interesting, and I have a lot to learn still. But I am having fun...I guess that's the point right? Ugh...being single stinks!

In a good place

For the last few days I have really been in a good place. I am doing my best to forgive Eric, forgive myself, and to move on with life. What's done is done and I just want to move into a better place. It feels good. I know I will have my days where I am really sad, but for now I feel comforted and at peace.

I went on my first date on Friday and although it was a total bomb...it was nice to be out there in the dating world. I am just exploring friendships and trying to find people I have things in common with. I am very upfront about not wanting a serious relationship right now. Honestly, it is scary how many people out there are in my same situation. I have had a couple of offers for 4th of July dates...but haven't answered either of them yet. The kids will be gone and so I would like to do something. Frankly I'm shocked that I have had any offers for dates...my self worth had bottomed out and I assumed no one would be interested in me. Happily, I was wrong. I still have a lot of work to do on my "shell" and getting to a place where I would even be ready for dating someone steadily.

I'm thankful for all that life offers me...I am grateful for my blessings and ready for more happiness to come my way. :-)

Bullet avoided...for now

Through texting last night, I found out that Eric has come to his senses. Or Corilynn got scared off, or they just plain old weren't able to get the house. Eric said he is going to stay where he is in SLC. What a gigantic relief. I was planning on calling my lawyer today ready to take action on changing the custody situation. I really hope he will keep the kids foremost in his mind. I am sure they will get together eventually. But at least for a little while, I will be able to rest easy. easier. Well, not easy at all, but at least I can breath now.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

Eric just announced that he is looking for a new place to live. I asked where and he said in Pleasant Grove- Utah County. I have been trying to get him to move to Utah County for years to make his commute shorter and he swore up and down he would never live in Utah County. I asked if it was because of Corilynn and he agreed. I asked if they were moving in together and he said maybe--which is code for YES. So they are looking for a house to live in together. I am not surprised, but of course I am not happy about it at all. I asked him just a couple days ago if they were going to get married, he assured me they weren't. I guess I should have been more to the point...are they getting serious enough to live together and pretend to be married and have their kids pretend to be family. I'm sure he would have said no anyway. I told him if this happened, he would not have the kids during the week. Only on the weekends. Even if it's just him in the house. He thinks he will drive back and forth from Utah County to my house four times a day??? What a stupid thing to do. I told him to think about this. He is definitely not putting the kids needs first. They would have to get up earlier and spend more time driving than they already do. I don't like it now and they only live 15 minutes away. Then he started acting like I was being insane or something. He said sarcastically "Yeah--I'm not putting my kids needs first"... I reminded him of how Montana calls me every night when she is with him and begs for me to come and pick her up. She texts me all night long saying she hates it there and she is not comfortable being the only girl. I asked him how he thinks throwing in a step family is going to be beneficial for her. He just rolled his eyes. I told him the kids are not ready for this. He has only been divorced for 25 days. Hello. I told him he is thinking with his penis and not his head. This was not a good idea. So he just shut me down, got in the car and drove off. How adult of him. I am so furious. I'm humiliated, I feel scared for my kids, and I know now that I am going to have to gear up for an even bigger battle. I hate him.

Holiday, Holiday, who's got the Holiday

It's official. I was married to the biggest jackass alive. We are still working on the Holiday Custody Schedule. We made up a mock calendar for our divorce proceedings and the mediation back in March. And it should and could have worked out fine. It alternated every other holiday between him and I, then switched for the next year. It was on an odd/even year schedule. However, every holiday since then, we have gone the rounds over who has custody. I was referring to the schedule that was in our "divorce education class for parents" manual. WE BOTH HAVE IT. IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME. But apparently it was not the same as the one that was listed online- or the one that my lawyer attached to our divorce decree. So I asked him repeatedly, "Why can't we just use the one in the manual- that we both have?" He insisted it wasn't current. I don't know why the hell it matters. If we both have the same sheet of paper- why can't we use the one that is in the manual that we would naturally refer to. But of course, he has to go the much more difficult route of finding one online that is "the most current" although it has no date on it. Trying to just finalize this mess I agreed to use the link he was looking at. Even then he still wanted to review it for a couple of days and get back to me. I refused. I told him we were finishing this decision before we hung up. It only took 5 more minutes- and there was only one discrepancy. I told him to bookmark it in his favorites, print it out, and put it in a place where he could refer to it without having to look it up again. If they make any additional changes to the code--we are not changing from what we decided today.

I am so totally frustrated with him. I don't understand why he is being such a fucking robot about everything. He acts like he doesn't have a single emotion in his body. If we both agree to something- it should be the agreement. Why does there always have to be an official piece of paper or law attached to something to make it MORE OFFICIAL. Obviously this is going to be a never ending dramatic divorce. I have lost all respect for him- and any shred of emotion I had left for him has been stomped into the ground. This is the fourth go around trying to iron this out. I told him I would be happy to meet with my lawyer and make this last decision of ours official with signatures and whatever else is necessary to make it binding for him. He said I was being ridiculous. I don't think so---look who's calling the kettle black.

He had the nerve to bring Corilynn and McKayde to Las Vegas last week for Montana's solo competition. Like Corilyn even gives a shit about Montana's solo at this point--she doesn't know anything about her. They were just there to be on vacation together. I wish he just wouldn't have come at all. He took the kids for a day and went to the M&M factory. I know they had fun- but he is just rubbing this girlfriend in my face. And my families. It was really tough and I cried after acting all nice and accommodating. They left-- and I broke down. Grama and Mom were good and gave me all the support and confidence I needed to get happy and get on with MY vacation. He has no respect for me or my families feelings. I know we will have to get over it and make the best of it---how does he expect us to become friends and be on friendly terms when he is constantly acting like the biggest ass around??

I tried to plan a trip to Yellowstone with my parents--but of course his plans trumped mine. I tried to arrange a 4th of July celebration with the kids--but then our holiday were switched again. I am up to my eyeballs in anger and frustration with this idiot. I know this whole first year of divorce will be full of disappointment and will be a learning curve. Honestly--I have a whole new appreciation for Chris--I thought he was difficult--obviously Eric is going to make him look like a freakin' saint!!

Milestones

The last couple of days have been extremely emotional and hard. But I feel like some important progress has been made.

Sunday I was out at mom and dads with Sierra. Eric was bringing the little ones home around 7 after their day at Lagoon. It was getting close to time to get home and we were still trying to get some things done (rhinestoning shirts, and dad was copying the recital video to DVD for me). So I asked Eric if he wouldn't mind dropping the kids off at my parents. He agreed, which shocked me. He has not seen or spoken to my parents since we separated back in February (except briefly at the recital with his new girlfriend). I think he has been afraid of them, and I don't blame him. But he needed to pick up some of his stuff there anyway.

So he showed up with the kids and I invited him in. Dad was gathering Eric's things downstairs and so he went down to get them. Next thing I know mom is shooing Justice and I out of the room and shuts the door with her, dad, and Eric in there. I thought "Oh boy, here we go." They were in there for several minutes. Not too long- but long enough for me to start getting nervous. I don't know exactly what was said, but I know they said their peace and tried to end things amicably. Then dad and Eric went out to the garage to see dad's new motorcycle. So I'm sure it wasn't too bad. They were so good to Eric and treated him like family. I know it hasn't been easy for them either.

Then yesterday we were trying to hammer out our July custody calendar. We are trying to work in vacations, holidays, etc. He sent me an email that really ruffled my feathers. He was upset that I hadn't warned him about the confrontation with mom and dad. He said to have them call him if they wanted to talk. Well- they did try to call him several months ago, and he had never called back. He said he wouldn't hide from them- well, that's exactly what he's been doing. We talked some more about Vegas- and YES the girlfriend is coming with him. I assumed so. So I asked him to plan exactly what he wanted to do with the kids etc- because I just found out that Chris is bringing his girlfriend too and she wants to meet me for the first time. Yay! It will be one big HAPPY family. So I will be sending kids back and forth from hotel to hotel. What a fun vacation huh!

Then Eric forwarded a very sad email he received from Sierra. She was very upset with him about just dropping her from his life. She addressed a lot of concerns that the two of them have had over the years. She let him know how disappointed she is in this whole mess and that Justice and Tana now have to go through what she has been doing for years- the back and forth between mommy and daddy. She was upset that now her life is twice as complicated and her emotions are doubled. She said she has always wondered how her life would have been if Chris and I had stayed together. It was so surprising, and heart wrenching. I guess I am not that good at reading her. I thought she felt relieved that he was gone- but it is hurting her a lot more than she is letting on. I was so glad that Eric forwarded this email to me because I don't think she would have ever expressed any of this to me. I sat her down and we had a great talk. I apologized for this mess- I tried to explain things to her. I told her how sorry I was for putting her in such an awkward and emotional situation. I want her to know that just because I have had rotten luck in the marriage dept. doesn't mean that she will. I have made a lot of mistakes and a lot of this is my doing- but I don't take all the blame. We talked for a while about things and she didn't say much- it was mostly me talking and her nodding her head and shedding a few tears. Eric also wrote her back a really nice note that let her know that he still loved her and considers her one of her kids- it's just a tough situation.

At the end of the day a lot of crying had been done, but a lot of emotional release and progress had been made as well. I know this whole process won't be easy- but I'm really ready for things to lighten up a bit.

The circus life

I've been putting off writing this post because I was hoping that by suppressing my emotions, they might go away or lessen. But they have only intensified. So I hope that by writing this all down, I can put it away or at least compartmentalize it and give it less power.

I talked to Eric on Friday about a conversation I had with Montana. He was planning to take the kids to the Springville Arts Festival on Friday. Montana did not seem excited and kept asking questions about whether CoriLynn, McKade, & Jillian were going to be there. I assumed they would be, but I didn't know it was going to be bothering her. I told her I didn't know- but probably they would. She said "Why can't we just go with daddy? Why do they always have to be around? I'm tired of doing EVERYTHING with them. I just want to go with daddy and not the rest of them!" I told her to call him and ask if they were coming. So she did- and yes, they were coming. He was trying to get her excited about it- but she was brave and told him her concerns. She was definitely disappointed- he was not changing the game plan.

She cried about it for a while. So of course this just made me angry. So Eric and I talked via email and phone about the whole deal. We talked a few weeks ago about my concerns that all the time they spend with him, is also time they are spending with the girlfriend and her kids. They are dealing with a lot- the divorce, daddy and mommy in different houses, the back and forth of custody arrangements, not being with their friends everyday, wondering why daddy is dating someone new, why are we always with this "new" family. I told him that he needs to concentrate on being a dad when he is with them. They will grow up so fast and with our custody arrangements, the time he gets to spend with them is even shorter. I told him that my concerns are growing out of Montana's concerns. I refuse to put her in an uncomfortable situation. And that if she continued to protest- I would not send her to the festival. I have asked him repeatedly to not date when the kids are with him. But, of course, he does what he wants. Being the loving, caring, considerate dad he is- he did address my concerns, and let me know that he always puts the kids first. He said that everything he does is for the kids. He said that they have only been with Corilynn and her kids two times. That it isn't EVERY time, and that she is over reacting. So I have been trying to trust him and help Montana through this in a good way. Since then- the new happy family has been to the Arts Festival, the dance recital, and Lagoon. Three days just this week of daddy, his new girlfriend, and her children. I know that Justice and Montana like them all. I am just concerned about how he is throwing them into this so soon, and so seriously. Justice doesn't seem to mind- I'm sure he loves having an older brother (McKade is 11). Montana likes Corilynn and Jillian too. She just doesn't like them as much as Eric does.

When he showed up at the recital with her- my heart sank. He is already bringing her to family functions- my parents met her. I was sitting behind the Jepson's- Justice was sitting with Eric & Corilynn a few rows away. I was sitting with mom, and dad was trying to find a good spot to videotape from. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was not ready for this. My life feels like a circus. How did my life become such a gigantic mess. My kids call everyone uncle, aunt, cousin- when really they aren't related at all. Sierra has cousins and aunts that Justice and Montana don't understand why they aren't related to them too. Now we will just be compounding that with a new family coming into the scenario. Ugh.

At the recital...Niki and Greg (Chris' sister, Sierra's aunt/uncle) were watching their 3 year old do her first recital. When she was finished they were both there to greet her with open arms and flowers. It made me cry...that's all I want is a family- one purpose- one direction- one love. And I know my life will never be like that.

I am really trying to look on the bright side of this. My kids have so many people that love them and that care about them. Eric and I are doing our best to find happiness in our own lives- which in turn will be better for the kids in the long run (I hope and pray), I am grateful that the kids are taking thing so well- they really are. Sierra can't even remember her dad and I together- it seems weird to her, and me. Perhaps one day it will feel like that with Eric. But for now- it just hurts. Dad put it best..."He is just being really inconsiderate". He really is. He is thinking of no one but himself. Which is exactly why we are in this situation. There really isn't anything I can do about it. I am keeping myself busy-praying for strength and comfort, loving my kids, and just getting on with life. So far- we are doing ok. Pray for me. I need it.

It's official

Received the notice in the mail yesterday that the divorce is now final as of June 1, 2009. The judge has reviewed and signed all the paperwork. *sigh*

So, as my sister-in-law Amy told me- "On to the best chapter of your life yet!"

The squeaky wheel!

Wow- the squeaky wheel gets the grease!! He's out!! It will be so nice to get all of this yard sale stuff organized in the garage now. Things will feel so clean and organized. It feels a bit empty in here- but- it's a breath of fresh air also. Looking around, I have room to grow now, room to decorate the way I would like to, and room to spread my wings.

I've had it!!

A few posts ago, I outlined the snail pace that Eric is moving out. He had planned on moving out yesterday- and started too. In my mind- I gave him a May 28th deadline to get his things out. I worked with him on that because he had a 10 day business trip during that time. Rather than rehash the events- here are the emails we exchanged. Needless to say- I blew my stack!!


Sent: Sunday, May 31, 2009 11:10:21 PM
Subject: garage

What happened to you? You said you had a couple more loads to get today and then would get the tools after Saturday. When I came home tonight- it looked like you had not even returned.

I tried texting & calling you a couple of times. Your phone was off or dead.

I feel like I have been extremely patient and that I have given you plenty of time to get your stuff out of the house. It has been 4 months since you left. I think that is plenty of time for you to get your belongings. I let you know that I was working against a deadline with this yard sale coming. I really need for this yard sale to be a success because I am hoping it will help pay for our Las Vegas trip. If it rains and I am not able to bring things inside- it could be a total disaster and weeks of my time and energy will have been wasted. I am thankful that you moved the china cabinet and the curio. I know that was a big pain in the ass job. I know it rained. I know you were probably exhausted from helping Corilynn move the day before. I know you have been busy with work- and out of the country. I know there was a ton of stuff that you moved- but there is still a lot more that needs to go. I told you we would help- but you refused that help. It was your choice to cram it all into this weekend. I let you know weeks ago that I needed this done by a certain day. I kept the kids today thinking that you were going to get it all done. Now I have a whole house full of stuff for this sale and no where to put it until the last minute. It has taken me weeks to get to this point. We are now walking around with a mess in every room. I was really hoping to take this week to organize things in the garage for the sale and not have to rush around at the last minute and have everything look sloppy. The garage is the only flat place to really display things.

My point is that you need to schedule a day- a full day- not just a couple of hours here and there- but a full day to finish moving your stuff out. We are happy to help you. I know it's hard work- but it has to be done- no matter how exhausted and sick of it you are. You have already moved on. I am still living in the mess you left behind. I expect you to at least take your belongings with you to start your new wonderful life. Have the courtesy to let me start mine.

Let me know when you plan on finishing.
J
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Sent: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 7:39 am
Subject: Re: garage


J,
I will be by this after noon to finish. I am sorry to have inconvienced you.

E

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Sent: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 7:45 am
Subject: Re: garage


Eric,

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it!

J

The other woman

I've had a little time to calm down. But I am still totally peeved. Eric has been gone to Thailand for 10 days. So the kids were really looking forward to spending time with him this weekend. Well- he just got in last night, so he has missed Wed, Thurs, and Fri with them all ready-because it is his week. He picked them up this morning (Saturday) and planned to spend the whole day with them and then bring them back tonight because they are having some weird activity at his house tomorrow that he doesn't think will be good for the kids to be around. That's totally fine.

Well, the kids came home just a little after 10:00 pm (I was starting to get worried)-and they invited Eric to come and see how their new rooms turned out. So he just waltzes in and heads downstairs. A little irritating- he has been asking for permission to come in since he moved out- but not today. I asked the kids what they did today and they said they helped daddy move all day. I said "what? where to?". Then he says "no- I'm still in the same place." So I probe further and find out they have spent the day moving Corilynn (the girlfriend) into a new place. So I ask more questions and find out that she has moved in with her parents. OK- now that makes me happy. My mind immediately starts going haywire- I was worried that she was moving in with him, or he was moving in with her- or they had gotten a place together. So that was a relief. At least there will be a little more "supervision" going on with these lovebirds. A little less freedom. I am smiling.

He asked about how I would like him to pay the child support (which is due on Monday-hallelujah). I told him check or transfer would be fine. So I am happy to see that he is going to follow through with that in a timely manner. I have been totally stressed about money- so that is at least one less worry.

So then, still being annoyed that he again spent the day with our kids, Corilynn and her kids again- I find out that she is waiting in the car. Aha!! I told Eric that I would like to meet her- he says "why?" I said "Because I want to know who my children are spending time with. So he goes out to ask her- but I just followed him out- knowing that she would probably be too embarrassed or worried to meet me. I could see the worry on her face. It was priceless. I just stuck my head in the car and said "Hi!" She looks like she's about 20-25. Super skinny-super pretty. She said it was nice to meet me- I didn't say anything back. Then her little girl rolled down the window in the back. They told me her name and I told her she was very cute- and she is. I said "Don't you have two kids?" and she said that her other one was with her mom and dad. I know he is a boy and a little bit older- I think they are 5 and 7. So I just said- OK- bye!! and walked off.

I hope that made her nervous as hell. I want her to know I am not happy about this situation- but I will be an adult and put everything out on the table. I am glad she makes him happy. He deserves to be happy- I never could do that for him. Well maybe in the beginning. But his happy side will wear off and she will be stuck with the moody, super strict, super quirky, jackass that I was with for all those years. He does his best when in new situations. I wish them the best. I just wish this was way down the road. However- I know it wouldn't be easy then either.

I asked the kids lots of questions. They like her, she is nice. They like her kids. She has a trampoline- lots of toys, a Wii. So they are happy. I just hope Eric won't put them on the back burner while he is sowing his wild oats with her- and he better not be doing that while they are under his watch or there will be hell to pay! Look at me being such a grown up about this whole thing...NOT! Hopefully he will start thinking with the right head and slow this down a tad. But if not- I will be supportive. If she can love my kids and accept him- then everyone wins. He is a great catch. I hope she is too.

It just ticks me off because I asked him specifically if he was interested in or seeing anyone when we were splitting up. He swore that there was no one. It was just the problems between us. They both work at the same place. I have heard her name in the past but I don't think I have ever met her. The whole thing seems fishy and they are so serious already. I know better-but I will let him lie about it. He may not have been screwing her, but he was thinking about it. All the signs of an emotional affair were there and I was reading them- he just wouldn't admit it. The fact that she is so much younger than him just confirms his midlife crisis. When do I get to have my midlife crisis?? When do I get to run off with some handsome new man and sow my wild oats? I probably wont. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can even consider getting serious with anyone. And do I really want to even go down that road again? I think I have had my heart broken enough times- and the kids really don't need any further complication in their lives!!

Breathe, breathe, breathe- ok I have totally vented. Sorry you had to read it--- but I feel a bit better just writing all this down. It's cheap therapy.

PTED

I had such a good laugh after reading the following article on Lemondrop. I am happy to report I am not anywhere near this stage. Which makes me feel fabulous.

Worried that your anger at your cheating ex-boyfriend is out of control? You could be right. Some psychologists are pushing to categorize bitterness after a traumatic event (such as a breakup or not getting a promotion) as a psychological disorder -- Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder.

Experts say the condition is a lot like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, only instead of anxious and afraid, the sufferers are angry as heck and spend all day daydreaming about revenge.

Beyond Bummed
While it's normal to be a little depressed after a breakup -- or any sucky life event, for that matter -- 1 to 2 percent of the population takes their grief a step further, according to a presentation last week at an American Psychiatric Association conference. Embitterment occurs when people put a lot of emotional energy into something (like a relationship), and then feel completely cheated by life.

While they may not have the pronounced physical and psychological symptoms associated with PTSD and other anxiety disorders, sufferers' intense feelings of anger, injustice and powerlessness affect their ability to function day-to-day. AKA you're so consumed by IMing about your jerk of an ex that you can't actually do your job or go out and have fun with your friends.

The condition may be a factor in family annihilations -- when people "snap" and kill their families, often in response to financial or relationship stress.

We've Had It
While those cases are extreme, we know all too well how the pain of a breakup can inspire some irrational behavior. Consider the following real symptoms experienced by Lemondrop editors post-split:

+Subject spends all day researching ways to cut brake lines on old Chevy Lumina, but never acts on it.


+Subject literally does not stop crying for 48 hours.

+Subject burns all of ex's belongings on sidewalk in front of house (holding a Weber grill lid as a safety precaution), frightening away even the police officer who slowed to investigate.

+Subject reads Wikipedia's article on Louisiana Voodoo all day, every day, dreaming of a way to get a lock of that bastard's hair.

+Subject listens to "I'm Not in Love" by 10cc on repeat for 14 straight hours while drinking Popov and going through ex's Gmail reading cute chats with his new girlfriend.

+Subject sells departed ex's expensive pet lizard for $10.

+Subject buys $400 custom-made leather dress.

Tell us! What do you think? Could embitterment be a legitimate illness? What's the craziest thing you've ever done after a breakup?

It's going to be ok

Eric called from Thailand today. I was very surprised to hear from him. He has been there since Wed. and wont be home until this Friday. I had sent him an email trying to clear up the visitation schedule for June & July. Since he has been gone for a while, and we will be in Las Vegas for a while, and a few other things- we needed to figure it all out. We were able to talk, and clear things up really easily. I was happy for that. We agreed that he would move his stuff out of the garage this Sunday so that I will still have time to prepare for the yardsale next weekend. I asked him if he would help me move a couple of big heavy pieces into the garage- and he agreed he would. It sounded like he had more to say- but didn't. There was that long awkward pause- where we both think something should be said- but nothing was. After a very emotional weekend- I feel like I am in a much better place. Things feel like they are falling into place and I know that things will be ok.

I have been watching Jon & Kate + 8. It's a reality show about a couple who had twins and then sextuplets. Well they are going through a really rough patch with rumors of affairs- parents being accused of working too hard when they should be home, losing respect for each other, blah, blah, blah. It has been good for me to see that I am not the only person going through this. So many families go through this. Sometimes the marriage just doesn't make sense. Sometimes the kids are better off with the parents apart. Sometimes the parents are better people without a spouse to dump emotions on. It seems like everyone is watching this show,and has an opinion about who is to blame, what they should do, and how things will end up. I really hope they can patch it up. But she really is mean to him. I feel bad for him. It's funny to see her wondering how all of this mess happened. I could see it coming 2 years ago. It's like a window into my life -5 children. I'm glad to see that she is accepting part of the blame. Looking back into my own marriage- I can see how I ended up here. It's so easy to take someone for granted when you just assume that they will always be there for you. I wish I would have treated my marriage and Eric with more respect. I know that hindsight is 20/20 but hopefully going through this will help me appreciate the relationships with the rest of my family in a better way.

The ring

While we were cleaning, busy, and having such a fun and enjoyable day yesterday- things came to a screeching halt. Montana came in and said with total excitement "Mommy look what I found." I turn around and she had my wedding ring in her hand. I immediately burst into tears. It looked so beautiful and shiny and huge, and has so many special memories attached. Everything came rushing at me like a wave. I feel so bad about this now- but I said through my tears "Go put that back right now!" She ran off in tears herself. I had to collect myself and calm down. I found her cuddled in Sierra's arms on the stairs. Who could help her understand better what was going on? It was a precious but heartbreaking site. I gathered her up and hugged her tight. I apologized for my outburst and tried to explain myself to her. I told her that mommy still has a lot of sadness about this divorce. I do my best to put on a happy face and not let the kids see me sad- but sometimes things catch me by surprise and I react before I think. I told her that she did not do anything wrong- the ring represents a very special time in my life. I do love that ring- and I love you. She seemed to understand, we hugged each other and the day got back to normal.

I did not save my ring from my first marriage and I have always missed it. I am not sure what to do with this ring. We picked it out together-it reminds me of how quickly and hard we fell in love. But it also reminds me of how quickly he fell in love with someone else. It reminds me of all the promises we made to each other- how hard we tried to make things work- how happy and sad we made each other.

It should be just a ring-but it represents so much more.

Overhaul

When we let go of fear, only then, can we gracefully move from what was, into the miracle of what can be.


I LOVE this quote. It's my new mantra. I am having trouble letting go. I need to focus on the future and try to release all the pain and sadness that I am wrapped up in right now. It is consuming my every thought and is really holding me back. I have so much I want to accomplish in this life and I hate the feeling of being trapped in the past. I know that everyone makes mistakes, takes wrong turns, and occasionally gets lost. I need to forgive myself, Eric & Chris, and move on to a better life, a better me, a better purpose.

I'm finding that I am more disappointed in myself than Eric. I have done a lot of reflecting and have found- that I am not even a person I want to be around. I have really let myself down. I had completely given up on myself and not even realized it. I am writing a new book of my life. I am trying to morph into the person I always wanted to be- but never even tried. Why is it so easy to get lost in yourself? To just go through the motions of being alive but not really living?

I've started to really take care of myself. I am back in Jazzercise. I love it- I always did. Why did I stop going? Stupid reasons. I need to take this time for me. I am smiling- my body is really awake and feeling it. I'm taking time to look good in the morning. Most of the time I am just rushing around worried about the kids and getting things done. But I have finally realized that I wouldn't drive around in a beat up old ugly car that barely runs- I would feel horrible, I would hate that car and I would hate the way that people would look at me. Well that's what I have done to myself. I think I have been so wrapped up in Eric and the kids- that I became a forgotten piece of furniture- covered in dust, unused, and falling apart from direpair. I'm in the shop- overhauling my mind, body, and spirit. It's time for me right now. I need to find myself, learn to love myself, forgive myself, and believe in me again. I've got a long road ahead- better get going.

It's all making sense now

For the last few days I have been in a really good place. I was just telling a few people that I am feeling bad- because after only 3 months I am kind of over the sad part of this divorce. I guess it really was the right thing to do...everything seems to be going as it should. Until today.

The kids went with Eric to the zoo yesterday. I was excited for them because we were going to be at competition all day with Sierra and they would be totally bored. Well this morning the kids called me and I started asking them about the day at the zoo. They of course had a great time with Daddy, CORILYNN & HER 2 KIDS!!! What?? That totally threw me for a loop. Corilynn is someone Eric works with. I am not sure if I have met her- if I had I don't remember. But I do know her name. Justice went to work with Eric about 3-4 months ago and after that day- Corilynn was all he could talk about. He couldn't wait to go back. Almost immediately after that we broke up.

I was furious about this whole date at the zoo. I can't believe he is having the kids go on dates with him already. I mean geez- at least let the dust settle. These poor kids have enough to worry about without having to wonder who this new family in their life is. I don't have all the facts...and just because Justice said they were making out doesn't mean that they were...it could have been an innocent kiss...but it is still completely and totally inappropriate at this point.

I have been crying all day about this-- I don't think it's because he's dating. I don't think it's because he didn't mention her at all during our break-up even though I asked his at least 6 times if he was seeing or interested in someone else...I think it's because it all makes sense now. And that makes me sad. It's hard to be left for another women once...but twice...

I am glad to be having these feelings. I need to be sad and angry and embarassed and devastated. It will only help me get over it and heal completely. The sad part is...I really loved him. And I wasn't loved in return. Will I ever trust a man again? Will I ever allow a man in my life again? I doubt it!!

He's Movin' Out...Sorda

I asked Eric to give me a date that he would be moving out. Then he called yesterday to tell me that he took the day off today to get everything packed up. He came over about 10:00 and got right to work. I was so glad to finally have this done. I asked him if he wanted me to be gone, he said he didn't care. So I stayed because I had a lot of math to do, and I need my computer to do it. Anyhoo- he got the bedroom pretty much done, his videos, pictures and a few little odds and ends. Boxed them up and stacked everything neatly in the garage. Then about 12:00 he said he had to leave to go meet so and so from work for lunch. I asked him when he was going to finish- his furniture, half the kitchen stuff, the garage and laundry room are all full of his things. Plus the boxes. So it was nice of him to take the day off to do two hours of work. He said he would be back first part of next week to finish with his dad's truck and his brother Dave's truck. I can see exactly how this is going to go. It won't get done due to scheduling problems, and "things have been crazy at work", and so and so has been sick. So his stuff will sit in the garage and nothing else will get packed until I get mad about it and put the ball back in motion. Ugh!! I will give him until May 20th. I told him I have the neighborhood yard sale coming up on June 8th and I need the garage cleaned out for that. I have a ton of stuff that I would like to get rid of and I need the level surface of the garage to make that happen (some big furniture pieces that neither of us want as well as clothes and a bunch of other stuff). I am trying to earn money for new carpet, fence, and the trip to Vegas next month, so every little bit will help. So I won't drop the hammer until I have to, but I will if push comes to shove. I have already given him 3 months get his stuff. So I don't think that's asking too much. I guess I'm just disappointed that it didn't get finished today like I hoped. Call me crazy- but when someone takes the day off to move out- they actually move out.

Mediation is Over

Well, the mediation was totally exhausting, nerve wracking, and successful- I think- for both of us. Four hours of back and forth, negotiating, nitpicking, and getting the wording just right. Eric got the custody he wanted (which was really hard for me), and I was able to keep the house, and get the alimony and child support I needed. The rest were just silly details to support those main agenda items. I haven't talked to Eric but I hope he isn't angry. He and his lawyer/barracuda were lowballing everything and lucky for me, my lawyer took the reigns and plowed us on through to a deal and didn't budge on anything. Thank goodness my lawyer was there because I learned how tough it is to get what you want. I would have caved about hour two of negotiations.

I am so happy that the kids will get to stay in their same schools, with their same friends, we don't have to move, I have money to pay the bills (still need a job to complete the plan), they are close to their dads, and I can keep the house my kids have grown up in. I do have to refinance it within a few years, but for now- everything is as it should be.

I feel so blessed. I know that Eric is a good dad and I am so happy that he fought for time with his children- he REALLY wants to spend time with them and not just be a visitor. I may have picked two rotten husbands- but how did I pick two of the best dads around.

Parenting Class

I took the mandatory Divorced Parenting Class tonight. Three hours of movies, stories, what to do, what not to do, what I will feel, what my ex will feel, what the kids will go through, what the family will go through. Very informative and very depressing. The couple directly in front of me were whispering in each others ears the whole time and smiling at each other. I kept thinking "Why are you two here?" It was very distracting and making me upset. I had to keep biting my tongue so I would not yell at them and tell them to move. The nerve of some people- to be all agreeable and happy- what is that about?? :-)

I cried a few times and found that I am just not ready to hear some hard truths yet. Like "when your ex starts dating and/or remarries you should do xyz", and the jokes about it being easier to have your ex die than to divorce them- everyone laughed except me, and the heartwrenching artwork & stories by children of divorced parents, ugh. Not a fun night. But it's done. Now I can be a divorced parent. again. yeah.

Lonely vs. Dating??

Eric called to talk to the kids this morning but Justice had slept over at mom and dads, and Tana had slept at her friend Kylei's. So I told him to call them at those places- but I guess he didn't. So once I had picked up Justice I had him call Eric. Justice likes to put the phone on speaker so unfortunately I had to listen to the whole conversation. Eric sounded really lonely. He is in Las Vegas for a work convention. He kept telling Justi over and over how much he missed him. It sounded like he was about to cry. So I am happy to see that he has feelings after all. Tana has not spoken to him yet.

On a happier note- I have been asked out a couple of times in the last week. Very surprising to me. They were friends of friends. I told them both no- I would rather wait until things are finalized- and I honestly just don't want to get into that yet. But it did make me feel a little better. Maybe when things have settled down and I'm not so sad- I would be a better date. We'll see.

Duh!

Eric just sent me an email informing me that he had just taken the Divorced Parents class that is required for our divorce to be final. He let me know that it was very interesting, he learned a lot, and that it reinforced a lot of what we are already doing.

Thanks for the information. Yeah- I've taken the class before dumbass!! I know exactly what they talk about. We were suppose to go to this class together- not required- but we taked about it a while ago. Whatever. I guess I'm just mad that he did it before me. And that he is so matter of fact about it. Why does this whole divorce seem to not even phase him? Now I have hot tears running down my red cheeks.

I have started a growing list of the things that were not working in our marriage. And the things about him that drove me crazy. And the things about me that probably drove him crazy. Then I refer to that list when I miss him and cry about us divorcing. It keeps me slightly sane. My biggest realization is that I didn't put enough time and effort into my marriage. I only seem to miss him a) when the kids aren't around or b) when I go to sleep or c) when something is broken. The rest of the time my life feels pretty normal and I enjoy the freedom of not having to check with him about everything. What should we have for dinner? Can the kids do this? Is it ok if I buy this? When are we going to do X? I feel guilty about that. But it also makes me realize that I will be fine on my own. As soon as I can find a handyman that will work for free, I will have no need for a man- right?

Money

Eric and I split our finanaces yesterday. Up until now everything has still been combined. I was obsessing over where he was spending his money. I guess I am still trying to figure out what is going on with him.

So I told him I wanted to get that part of our marriage behind us. He will continue to pay for the house until the support payments kick in.

I also asked him when he is planning on moving out- all of his stuff is STILL here. He said PROBABLY next week and weekend. Which means PROBABLY NOT. I am furious about this. He says "work is crazy- I've just been so busy". Everytime he says that I just want to gouge his eyes out. Get your ass over here and take care of your shit. I am tired of this whole mess. Everywhere I look it's his crap taking up all the space in this house. We have plans to get on with our lives and it just feels like everything is on pause until HE decides what or even WHEN he is doing it. I just want to scream.

The mediation feels like it will never get here. I need to go and take the divorced parenting course so that once mediation is done there won't be anything left to do and I can put this whole mess behind me.

I feel like I am at rock bottom in life- I know there is nowhere to go from here except up. I guess I just need a good cry and I will be fine. I wish I could put the pieces of my life back together and everything would be ok- but it's just not that easy. It's more like an explosion and I can't even find the parts to begin putting things back in order.

I'm still looking for a job. No call backs, no interviews- only a handful of companies have even responded to tell me I didn't get the job. So I am getting very anxious that I will find something before my unemployment runs out.

I talked with my cousin Holly yesterday and she said that losing my job and my marriage at the same time is really a blessing. Life is opening up for me and I can go any direction I want to. God is wiping the slate clean so that I can seriously start over. I hope she is right. I know the right job will come along. I just need to be patient and smart. I just want to take care of my family in the best way I can.

Please pray for me to stay positive and patient. I need all the help I can get.

Weird

Eric stopped by today to drop off J's backpack that he left at his place. Montana was at dance and Sierra was with Chris. So it was just the three of us. J was blowing bubbles out on the front steps. I was standing there thinking he was just going to drop it off and go. But he kept asking questions and chit-chatting with J and I. He was being very friendly. Asking about my school, the job hunt, Easter plans, my wicked tickets, how we were doing, etc. I kept waiting for him to say something important- or ask to come in- or something. His body language was very open to me. Usually he doesn't look at me or face me at all- just talks to the kids like I am not there. So this seemed very weird. He stayed for probably 15 minutes. After he left, he called right back...I thought "OK, here it comes". But he just wanted to say he was proud of Sierra for making Drill. He asked a lot of questions about it- he thought it was cheerleading- so I tried to explain how it was different. I told him I would let Sierra know what he said. I am still perplexed. Why is he being nice now? Does he have something big he is trying to say? I'm not ready for him to be nice. Because I know nothing has changed. It was a nice conversation- but it makes me uneasy. What is up with him? Who knows...

Sleeping Alone

I realized last night that I have not been sleeping in my bed. I keep falling asleep on the couch while watching tv. I don't do this on purpose- but I did figure out why it's hard to get in bed. Every time I lay in my bed I sleep on the same side. Even though I bought new bed sheets and comforter- it still smells like him. I can still feel him cuddling in close to me like he would, until we would fall asleep. I miss that a lot. I miss the phone calls that would come all day long- what are you doing? what's happening tonight? how are the kids? I'm just leaving work....Now it's just quiet awkward silence. When he calls, he only wants to talk to the kids- I keep thinking he will apologize and this nightmare will end. But then I wake up- and realize I've fallen asleep on the couch alone again. I wish he would come and pack up his stuff. I think that would make my healing begin. I keep wanting to do it. I'm sick of looking at it. But I want him to do the work. What is he waiting for? I know he just doesn't want to deal with it. I don't either. But eventually- it must be done.
Grama Dodie and I had lunch yesterday. She told me that her and Grampa had their share of troubles and almost split several times. But then they would come to their senses and realize they had a family to raise- and there was no other way to do it than together. She also told me that she has no respect for any man who would leave his family. I have to say that I agree with her. It is very disappointing. We both think there is a woman involved in this mess somewhere. But I haven't heard or found anything like that out yet. It's the only thing that would make any sense out of this mess. At any rate...the kids are coming home around noon today. I'm excited to see them. Two days is an eternity to spend by yourself when you are use to kids hollering "MOM" every 5 seconds. Can't wait to kiss their little faces!!

So hard

E came to pick the kids up yesterday. They were both having an all out tantrum. They are both trying to arrange sleepovers for tonight. Since it is dad's weekend, I told them that they would have to arrange it with him. He has never been a sleepover fan- party pooper. So the kids automatically assume he is going to say no before they even ask. But they asked anyway. He said he would think about it- well they start bawling, and bawling. "You never let me have sleepovers!!" Then it just escalated from there. Montana was complaining about going with him before he even got here. Then when he arrived, she was not quiet about it. Justice started flailing on the floor- screaming "I want to have a sleepover!!". Montana is crying "I don't want to go!" I was almost in tears. I kept telling the kids- "Come on- Daddy is here, he loves you and wants to spend time with you." Poor E- is trying to hold it together. I could tell it was really hurting his feelings. I told him that they will be fine once they get to your place. It's just the getting there that's hard. I had to peel Justice of the leg of the entry table, and then E had to carry him to the car. They drove off- with both kids wailing. I sat on the couch and cried. I know it will get easier- but talk about heart wrenching. They called me before bed and it sounded like things had calmed down- but they were saying they missed me. I tried to be brief on the phone so that things wouldn't escalate again. I told them I loved them, to be good for their dad, sleep well, and I'll see in the morning.
E dropped the kids off this morning and they were happy as clams. Until the door shut- E drove off- and Montana started in again. "I don't want to see Aliens vs. Monsters. I don't want to go with daddy." She started crying again. I sat her down and tried to have a heart to heart talk with her. I tried to explain how much her daddy loves her and he wants to spend time with her. "When you say these things it hurts daddy. When it's daddy's turn- you have to go with him- even though you don't like it, and mommy doesn't like it. It will get easier." I asked her if she could decide- how many days a week do you want to be with daddy. She said- "I don't even miss him! I don't want to go at all!" I was shocked to hear this come out of her mouth. I know she is just saying these things because she is hurting and upset. She said "I'm sick of this- I just want things to be the way they were!" So we just sat there holding each other. I let her cry.
Then I just tried to change the subject- let's draw a good luck note for Sierra. She is trying out for drill team tonight. Let's make her a cute card. It took her a minute- but she did snap out of it.
I am absolutely heart broken today. My babies are hurting and I can't make it better. I feel bad for Eric and I feel bad for the kids. There is no way to deal with this. Hugs, smiles, and a good attitude are all I can think of to help them right now. If I am positive about them spending time with their dad- hopefully they will enjoy it. But I can't make them. I still think every other weekend and one weeknight date with dad is enough for them. I think they are just as mad at him as I am, and it shows.

Here we go again

Talked to E this morning. I asked him if he called his lawyer. He said "about what?" I reminded him of our last conversation- he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. So we are back to square one I guess. I can't trust anything he says. He says one thing- does nothing.

I received the papers for mediation in the mail yesterday. It's not until May 5th. We have to submit in writing, exactly what we want- and be willing to negotiate. It is $275 an hour- they said to plan on 4 hours. E and I will split the cost- but that still is extremely expensive. I need to ask my lawyer if he will be there. I don't want to go into this with out some backup. I have stuck by my guns so far- and so has he.

We are still arguing about custody. Since I lost my job, there is no reason for the kids to stay with him during the week. But now he is insisting on it because it was in the original paperwork we agreed on. I am furious about how stubborn he is being. He accused me of using the kids as pawns in our game. I told him this is not a game. This is our life- and their lives. I am very serious about being there mother and I always have been. He is only taking a bigger role in their lives since we separated. My job day and night for the last 14 years has been being a mother. I know he misses them and I am glad he wants to see them more than every other weekend- but he could have been with them everyday if he would have stayed with the family. He chose to leave. He needs to learn that divorced life will be very different.

I am really feeling the weight of this today. I am feeling hopeless and worthless. I know I am a good mom and was a good wife- why is he treating me like a gold digger. Someone only interested in money. That is so not me. I am interested in taking care of my family's needs- that includes me.

More Talk...Some Headway?

E called to let me know that our mediation date is set for May 5th. I said that I would hate to wait that long when we are just going to be hashing it out ourselves. Can't we just come to an agreement and not pay the $800.00 for mediation. He agreed that he would like to avoid that. So we went through everything line by line again. It boils down to child support, and custody that we still don't agree on. He said that he thinks I won't want him to support me for the next 10 years. He knows how independent I am when it comes to money. I said that in a way- Yes- I would not like to be dependent on your money. But- I AM entitled to compensation for 10 years and I won't settle for 5. I said I would rather have him pay the full child support and not get any alimony than to have a 1/4 of the child support I was expecting and alimony that reduces every year. I can see his point and he can see mine. So he said that he would call his attorney. I asked him what he was thinking, he said "I don't know what I'm thinking- I'm not thinking straight- I need to clear my head." Then he said he would call me later. So I have no idea if we made any headway. But it felt like he had a change of heart. So we will see.

I feel like such a hag. But I got totally screwed in my last divorce. He got the house, no alimony, and no 401K benefits. But I remarried right away so I didn't really suffer for long. This time I know things will be different. I am in such a different place in my life. I don't feel in a position to even think about dating or bringing another person into my kids lives. I think I have screwed things up sufficiently for a while. I just don't want to give up what I have a legal right to. The laws are there for a reason. I deserve to be protected and for E to help in anyway he can in helping me to raise these kids. I guess for me that help will come in the form of money- and he thinks it should come in the form of him believing I can do it on my own. I guess I want it both ways.

Then later that same day- I got the news that I have been laid off at KJZZ. Fantastic. So now I have two strikes against me. Lost my man. Lost my job. Hopefully the kids being sick for the last two weeks was strike three. I can't take much more drama.

I know that when things like this happen that it just opens up new opportunities. When a door is closed- another one opens- or you go through a window- or you dig a hole in the floor and hide. Just kidding. I hope this will enable me to find something with better pay- and full time benefits wouldn't hurt either. Think good thoughts for me.

Beds & Plans

Mom, Dad and I had a heart to heart about where things are going, and planning for the future. The kids will be staying with them on the nights I work so we decided more permanent arrangements should be made. They went out today and bought beds for them. I wasn't expecting them to do that- I mean, we just talked about it today! But Thank you! I will buy the mattresses,bedding, and the drawers to go under the beds. I am sooooo incrediby lucky to have parents that are so supportive of me and my kids. It feels like no matter how crazy my life gets- they are always there to offer me a safe place to land. What in the world would I ever do without them. Sheesh- I don't even want to think about it. Thanks for everything!

Phew!

The kids were feeling well enough that they decided to go out to dinner. Sierra and I went out as well. So I avoided that whole awkwardness for now.

On a weird side note- I took the kids to the doctor this morning and he was there. He was coming out from an appointment and we were coming in. He just said hi and by to the kids and left. I asked him what he was doing there and he said he just had a scheduled appointment. I thought it was weird because he knew I was bringing the kids at that time and he didn't say anything about it. Bizarre.

Family Dinner?

Tonight is E's Wednesday night date with the kids. However they have been ill for a few days. So I told him he could come over and hang out with them here at the house and Sierra and I would go out on a date. He said we don't need to leave, and that he would bring over Chinese for dinner. Wow- how awkward will this be. Hopefully it will go well. It will be good for the kids to see him. I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well.

Called my lawyer

I called my lawyer today and told him I reviewed the response from E and his lawyers. I told him I was unhappy about with about 80% of it. So he recommended we go straight to mediation. Which apparently is expensive- but it will be worth it if we can get things worked to an agreeable point. It's funny- this is kind of how our marriage was too- we would argue back and forth until we came to a solid middle ground. The only differnce this time- is I am having a hard time not being a complete B. I know I have to look out for my kids and myself, for now and for our future. I know my chances of remarrying, or purchasing a home on my own are pretty slim. So I am trying to put myself in as good of position as I can. I know he wants to buy a home for himself, and still have a good life- but it's hard for me to think about that when I have my blinders on. I know I have to fight for myself right now- because I know no one else will. That is hard to swallow. I am starting to feel bad for him. Why is that?

Hashing it out

E called this morning and is ready to go over the legal jargon with me. I wanted him to explain exactly what he was wanting- in his own words. We discussed things. He was very surprised that I wasn't willing to go along with his demands. I must say that I was surprised that he thinks my life will just keep getting better, that I will continue to make more and more money every year- and that he definately sees me finishing school and pursing teaching. That was nice to hear. But his main focus is that he will not be able to buy a house with this mortgage hanging over his head. I can see his point. But he had a fine home already. He was the one who decided to leave- so I think he will have to live with those consequences. He makes plenty of money to make this all work. I told him I am not trying to be greedy. I want to provide the best life I can for the kids. They deserve a home- the one they have grown up in. I can't provide that for them if I have this fluctuating income every year. I told him we both owe it to the kids to figure out a stable figure that I can depend on every month. He wants the money to be coming to me in alimony because it is tax deductible that way. But either way- the money he spends on ch. supp. and alimony will count against his monthly spending. So I don't see what difference it makes. As long as he agrees on an amount that we can both work with I will be fine with that. All I want is to be able to pay the bills.

I will be calling my lawyer and going over a few things. I don't know if I will need to go in and see him or if we can do it over the phone. But I do know that mediation is most likely in our future.

The papers arrived

I received Eric's response to my petition for divorce. His ammendments are completely ridiculous. He wants to only pay alimony for 5 years- not 7 like my lawyer told me on the phone. It should be 10. He still wants to persue joint physical custody- and therefore the child support would be completely different, only $400.

He is requesting that I keep the house- but immediately refinance it and put it in my name. If I don't refinance, when the house sells, he wants 50% of the profit at that time- not just what the house is worth now. Also in lieu of 50% of his 401K- he will give me 11,500 additional home proceeds. What?

He added a clause that neither of us could move more than 150 miles away. He also added that he will make decisions concerning the kids when they are in his custody and I will make them when they are in my care. Can't we make these decisions together?

I am absolutely disgusted. He knows I won't be able to make it on the money he is offering. I honestly don't know what he expects me to do. I don't make enough money to refinance- so he made the suggestion that I find a co-signer for the home loan. Hello? Who the hell would that be? My parents are retiring, and I wouldn't ask them for that kind of a favor anyway- I have two ex-husbands who have left me high and dry. Am I suppose to pursue a welfare check so that I can keep my kids in a home of our own? Or a third job- so that I will be home even less?

I am torn about my work situation now. I will not let the kids go stay with him anymore- only on his weekends and the one night a week. I cannot believe he would penalize me for WORKING!! Should I quit working and ask him for more money? Should I work days and ask him for more money to pay for his half of child care? He is trying to arrange the alimony in such a way that once I finish school he will be paying me less and less. Doesn't he realize that I will actually be making the same amount of money (or less) than I do right now? It would be a teachers salary- pull your head out dumbass!

Why is he in such a hurry to wash his hands of me. I can tell he is trying to make me move in with my parents. Then he can pay me less, and clear all financial obligation ties we have together. Well guess what pal. I am not going to agree to any of your crazy demands. I am sticking to my guns. I will have physical custody and we will share legal custody. I will work out whatever I have to to make sure these kids know that I am the primary caregiver- just like I have been since they were born. Just because you come home from work at 6:30 and put them to bed at 9:00- and sleep in the bedroom next to theirs- does that make you a better parent than me? I help them get ready in the morning, take them to school, pick them up from school, take them to their lessons, pick them up from their lessons, I am the one arranging all of their plans and the one who knows what is going on in their life. He still doesn't even know what time or day any of their lessons are, let alone anything about their school lives. Then I work all night long so that I won't be missing any important time with them- then it begins again the next day. If they stay home sick- or have a day off from school- who is here for them. ME! What will happen in the summer if I am working all day? Where will they go then? I will find employment that will keep me home with them. If it pays less- I guess that is what I have to do. I refuse to be labeled a part time parent when I am a triple shift mom!

I am flabbergasted that he is behaving this way. I must have really done something horrible for him to treat me this way. He has always bent over backward supporting me- telling me what a great mom I am- he would never let the kids disrespect me. So why is he doing a complete flip-flop on that philosophy? I feel like he is flushing my existence down the toilet. He wants to rub me out of his memory and just throw crumbs at me to keep me happy. Well, obviously, he doesn't know who he's dealing with! It's about to get ugly. Thanks for making this quick and easy E!

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

I called my soon to be ex this morning. I asked him about the status of things- told him I hadn't heard from either lawyer. He assured me that I would be getting all of the money I would need for keeping the house and taking care of the kids.

I tried to be easy going about it- it sounded great. I told him thank you. I was grateful and relieved. But I thought I would call my lawyer and just see if he had heard anything. He had.

My lawyer said that E was asking for $400 in child support (for two kids- the legal limit is 1250 in Utah for our amount of income). My lawyer said E did agree to alimony but to some cockamamie reducing plan over the years. Two years at X amount, three years at X amount, one year at X amount, and then eventually just child support after 7 years. I am legally entitled to alimony for the length we were married - 10 years- unless I remarry or cohabit with someone. Not happening.

I am sick to my stomach. I cannot believe he would try to do this. When we initially separated he was very reassuring- telling me that he would definitely pay for the house so that the kids would not have to move. He has been a great dad for all these years- Honestly, I am shocked that he would even suggest to pay less than the legally required amount. What the hell is he thinking?? I will get every penny of child support for my kids. He owes them and ME that much. This is not the man I married- he has definitely lost his mind.

So I told my lawyer that I would review the paperwork thoroughly when it comes in the mail tomorrow and we will prepare for mediation. If we can't agree- we will go to court. I also informed E that he is the biggest liar I have ever met. I told him to prepare for a fully contested divorce. The kids will stay with me- we will not have joint physical custody. He will pay the legal amount of child support. I have fire coming out of my ears- can ya feel it??

I need an outlet

I am currently going through my second divorce. With one child from my first marriage and two from my second- I am finding it difficult to vent my frustrations. The kids are usually around and I am tired of complaining to friends and family. I try to be upbeat around the kids-but I have so many inner battles that I need to discuss. I thought this would be a great outlet.

My first marriage ended because I was too focused on work and not my marriage. He ended up having a year long affair and then ended it with me to be with her. He kept the house, and she moved in shortly after I moved out. That was really hard. He has had several girlfriends but has never remarried. I brought a lot of that baggage with me into my second marriage.

I married again exactly one year after the divorce. I know now that I didn't give myself enough time to heal. I was very happy for a while. But once I closed my business due to financial problems- things took a turn for the worse in my marriage. I was so afraid of divorcing again that I buried my head in the sand. I would get upset or depressed about things and then immediately get over it- because I had a good life, three great kids, and a husband who loved me. He was making great money- I was working part-time to give myself a boost of self esteem. But once again- I was focused way too much on me, and not enough on my marriage. Well, there are so many other factors, I let myself go (I gained 70 lbs), I relied on him too much. I was working nights and was exhausted all the time. I tried to keep up with the house, but before long, he was making dinner, doing the laundry, and making all the money. I was helping the kids with homework and chores and that was about the extent of my contribution. Long story short- we grew apart- and fell out of love. We celebrated our 10th anniversary- and he knew things were not working between us. I still felt pretty happy. He asked to end it- sort of- he withdrew from everything- and I got tired of it. So I asked him to leave. Then after only a few days we decided to divorce. I immediately sought out an attorney and got all the paper work started. I guess having been through it before I just knew what to do.

Here we are 6 weeks later. He has found a furnished basement apartment, the kids have started the wonderful world of split custody. The crying when it's time to go to dad's, the crying when dad leaves, the crying when dad's not at home. It is heartbreaking. He has seen two attorney's, but I have heard nothing. He has not moved any of his stuff out- except clothes and some spiritual items. I am still in shock I think. I knew things were not perfect, but I didn't think we were anywhere near divorce.

I am left wondering if he is seeing someone else? is he happy? does he miss me? He comes to take the kids for their mid-week night date, or their weekend together. I am really struggling with the fact that he can still love the kids so much- but have no feelings for me. I cry every time he takes them. I guess I am just not great wife material.

My 7 yr. old son is acting out. He fights with me about everything-getting dressed, going to school, waking up, doing chores, doing homework, going to Karate. I am literally at the end of my rope with him. I try to be silly with him to snap him out of it- I try to be calm and assertive, then he starts kicking and hitting me. He wears me down and pretty soon I am just yelling. The only thing that calms him down is to call dad and let him talk to him. It kills me. How can I deal with this on a day to day basis.

My 9 yr. old daughter is doing ok most of the time. She does miss him- but I think things are a lot more permissive and fun with out dad around. Now she cries about going with him. She doesn't want to leave me. But then she cries about missing him. I feel so bad for them both. It is so much harder on the kids than us.

My 14 yr. old daughter from my previous marriage is pretty happy about the whole deal. She put up with him because she knew it was just the way step-families work. He was her step-dad from the time she was 4. They had plenty of time to build a good relationship, but I was always the referee with them. He was very strict with her and it never sat well with her. He tried to get along with her, but their personalities never gelled. It was a hard thing for me. I love them both. What do I do? I tried to support his style of parenting but it never came naturally for me- I was always worried about what he would think about what I was doing. It was never good enough.

Now that he is out of the house- I feel a freedom that I didn't know I was missing. I have been redecorating the house (painting anyway). I can parent the kids in a way that feels right and more my speed. It is still hard- but I am not trying to please him with my parenting. I joined a singing group, I have started a weight loss group, and I am trying to reconnect with friends I have long lost contact with. I feel like I am in a better place. I still cry alot- but I hope things will get easier.

Everything is still up in the air with the divorce. He wants to only pay half the child support, but is willing to pay alimony. I just want to keep the kids in the house they grew up in. I think I owe that to them. It is the only thing we have. But I don't know if I will be able to keep it if he isn't willing to pay me what he should. Currently we still have our bills and money combined. He is a highly paid executive and with my income we get by just fine. I think he is afraid of how much his lifestyle will change once he starts paying me what he is suppose to. He will have as much money as me. I will be able to make a house payment, all the bills, and have a little left over for the kids. Why can't he make it on more money than I will have? I am disgusted about that. He acts like he will be living on the streets.

I will keep posting on the progress of our divorce. This really is a great outlet for me. I know I am totally rambling- but it's nice to finally be able to say these things.